what the fuck.

Okay, maybe it is just that time that everyone gets to that they wonder what are they doing with their lives. Unfortunately, I've been here before. And I am at a loss on how to cope now.

I'm in law school. And I don't know why. There are things that I can do with my degree that might work out but I feel like something is missing-- part of me knows one thing that is missing but I also feel like my general zest for life and go-getter-ness is waning. what the fuck is happening to me. why do I feel so nauseous about being in law school. why do I feel so ineffective? so incapable of getting out there and making a difference? I like to do. I dig doing. doing makes sense to me. hearing rhetoric, listening to how things should be without being able to make them that way makes me crazy.

now i'm almost broke too. no extra cash at all. what the hell am I doing? do I want to be an attorney? i'm not some cocky son-um-a-bitch. i'm not pretentious. i don't think I have all the answers. I barely think I have any answers. I'm definitely not the top of the class. cream of the crop. the master who's got all their shit together. I need to talk to someone. but who? I need to have someone believe in me. but who? I need to believe in myself. but how?

maybe i missed it. maybe this is all wrong. I'm definitely not cut out for doing IT anymore but i have no clue what I am cute out to do. I love people. I love meeting people. I love listening to people tell their stories. I love making a difference in their lives. I love telling their stories.

And I guess we can disregard my "peacing out" commentary. This blog is still up... though a lot has been removed. I'm still here. still confused. still roaming blinding. still unsure of my next move. fuck.

out.

Fantastically, this blog is coming down this week.

I've moved on to bigger and better things. While I may start blogging again, I'm not going to put that new locale here.

I love my life. Happy. Doing me for me. Taking care of myself and my loved ones. And being fantastic.

Signing off, my dear friends and blog-ees. Good bye and thanks for all the fish.

disclosure.

I think there's some things about people that should be disclosed up front. People should have to tell you things like "I'm really fucked up right now and I'm working through some things" or " I'm messed up and not dealing with it." They should disclose things like "I'm a controlling person and I want someone to work through that with me" or "I'm obsessively controlling and that's not going to change." At least then, you get a fair chance to say "yep, I get it and those are things I can and am willing to deal with" or "Um, thanks but I don't think I'm in the place where I want to process things like that with you." There's plenty of examples of things that people could disclose to start with. At least then you can quickly decipher whether your partner is willing to deal with your things. Maybe they are things that your partner has experienced before and does not want to re-live. Or maybe you find out something about your partner that you know you are not equipped to deal with or something that would compromise yourself and jeopardize your own happiness or the happiness of the relationship. There's also the positive twist. People should disclose things like being a passionate lover and a devoted partner. Those are important things to know too. I don't think all things need to be disclosed. Obviously, part of getting to know someone is discovering new things about them. It just seems that some things should be known so that decisions can be made that benefit both parties. Either way, I realize such disclosure is not an option but it would be nice.

 

It just amazes me that some people can seem to be one person when you first get to know them and then a completely different person unveils themselves. I realize that people are more complex than what they tend to display to everyone on a day to day basis. It's those people that seem to be one type of person and turn out to be quite the opposite. I get it though. I used to be a happy person on the outside. No matter what, everything was great to everyone I knew. On the inside, I was falling apart. There were so many things that I was covering up with the happy facade. While I understand that it was something I was doing, I decided to change that. I wanted to be me. I wanted to be true to myself. I wanted to feel real emotions and not sugar coat everything anymore. I had learned the behavior from my family. Even though things were in turmoil at home, we were the perfect family to the outside world. I finally decided for myself that I needed to change that pattern of behavior. So I took some time and fleshed through it all. I knew that I couldn't be a productive participant in a relationship as I was going through my self reflection and changing some of my own behaviors. Some people think that they can stay in a relationship while they do some serious soul-searching. And I guess some can. Others are just in denial.

 

I've thought of myself as a pretty perceptive person when it comes to reading people. It tends to be disappointing to me when my perceptions are so far from the mark.

not ready.

I don't know what's worse...anticipating loss or just losing it. Part of me thinks that the anticipation almost makes it worse. The pending eventuality of it is a little nerve racking. You try to prepare yourself for the inevitable. But then it comes and it still sickens you, saddens you and takes all kinds of energy out of you that you didn't even know you had. My stomach feels sickened. I think I need to eat but I have no desire to do so. I kinda feel like I'm going to vomit. Once again, it's that physical manifestation of emotion.

I don't want to have to wait again. I tell myself that it's not so bad. But it's definitely far from easy. I don't want to go to sleep alone tonight. I don't want to have the bed to myself. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and reach across the bed to an empty spot. I don't want to eat alone. I don't want to sit on my couch alone.

I miss his presence. I miss his comfort. I miss his smile. I miss his touch. I just want him back right now. I need him back. Here with me from now on.

atonement.

I just finished reading the book "Atonement" by Ian McEwan. The book was a bit of a difficult read for me. I'm typically one of those people who picks up a good book and can't put it down until I'm done reading it. But this book, I picked up having already seen the movie. I thought the book would be great since I was impressed by the movie.

Without the final section "London 1999", (that I thought wasn't even part of the story) this book would be okay but nothing to seek out. Missing the last section would definitely make the book just another book. The author almost tries to tell the story as a biography/ novel. I'm not a big fan of that technique. I had forgotten how the movie ended so it was a nice surprise to read it again.

The concept of atonement is all about amending after an offense. The main character never gets there. The title seems superfluous. It could have just as easily been titled "Betrayal" or "Young Child who is nosy and sees things she shouldn't and makes up stories because she doesn't understand." The former is probably a better choice. :)

I do think that the concept of atonement is lost on most people except the religious who get beaten over the head with "being atoned by Christ." People should think about atonement more. Too many people are too self-righteous or proud to make things right again. Or it's half-hearted. Apologies like "I'm sorry for everything." It's the crappiest apology next to "I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt." Because you can't be sorry for everything. Blanket apologies do not mend fences. Neither does the "if I hurt your feelings" clause. There's no purpose for the clause except to preserve oneself. And to be a selfish ass.

But yeah, the movie might be better than the book for this one. The movie has Kiera Knightley and James McAvoy. The book spends more time gently, slowly pushing the plot forward. There's too much time spend in the battlefield and too little time spend on wrapping up the loose ends. Oh well. That's my thoughts. Ciao for now.

cold nights.

It's chilly here. Pretty cold actually. It's on these nights that it'd be nice to cuddle up on the couch with someone and a good glass of wine. Maybe watch a movie or just be. Sometimes it's nice to just be. No words. No pressure. Just be.

a quote.

"We're meant to lose the people we love; how else are we to know how important they are to us?"

~from "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

cold weather sucks.

It's not even that cold here but it's cold enough that my asthma kicks in hardcore. Here I am trying to exercise this morning and my asthma had a clinch on my lungs. I can't breathe normally and even my trainer is kinda freaking out. After an emotionally charged week, the last thing I needed was for my body to fail me. I tried to push through but it's hard to do so when your body isn't getting enough oxygen. I kept feeling like I was going to puke or pass out. My body was quitting on me weather I liked it or not. I was so winded I could barely talk. That's not normal for my workouts. But I saw a picture of myself in college the other day and was motivated. I used to have a bomb ass body. I'm determined to get that back. It's easier to do that when I'm depressed. Forgetting to eat and forcing myself to workout. I'll be back to the smokin' me in no time.

propitious.

supposedly, I don't write positive things. The thing is that there's less to process when emotions and thoughts are less intense. They are more intense when there's extremes. I am at an extreme right now. It's not an extreme great thing but it's an extreme.

Here's something happy to write about:

Nora smiles. It's not something on command but she smiles.

And another happy thing: the optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole. I see the donut hole--after all the center is yummy.

Random



ness.

Warwick Avenue

by Duffy.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over little time
But promise me you wont stand by the light

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please draw the past and be true
Don’t say we’re okay
Just because I’m here
You hurt me bad but I wont shed a tear

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
Outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We’ll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you answers, now here’s the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I’ll tell baby there we’re through

Cause I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
An outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

All the days spent together
I wish for better,
And I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’m broken hearted
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wished for better
And I didn’t want the train to come.
No, no.

You think you’re loving
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me
You don’t love me
I want to be free
Baby you’ve hurt me