Imploding. A short story.

Anger boiled over inside of her. She could not remember when the flood gates poured open. But they had and she wasn't sure that it was all that healthy. They say that the way to process things and letting oneself really feel things is a healthy way. But what if one could not figure out how to come back out of "dealing" with those feelings.

Nina had always prided herself on the fact that she was not easily angered nor did she stay angry for long if she was angry. It was a passing emotion. Her parents had told her that anger was not a bad emotion to have, per se, but one that had to be reigned in before hurting other people. Nina had done that for years. She was very conscious of the fleeting moments that she felt angry but she quickly shut it down. She did not like to be angry. She was afraid of hurting others.

Now, all of that had changed. She had decided that part of the reason that she didn't really get over or deal with certain aspects of her life was because she did not let herself truly process all of the emotions. So finally, she let go. She let herself be angry about the past. She finally let herself acknowledge that she did get angry. And that most of that anger stemmed from hurt. She had to let herself grieve.

It had been two months since she let herself feel. Two months. And still, she did not feel like she was on her way to being any healthier. She actually felt worse. She cried more. She was angry with friends, family and coworkers in a split second. She had not been happy before but she definitely wasn't happy now. She wanted to cut people out of her life. Those people who hurt her. Those people who triggered her newfound anger. Realistically, she knew that was all part of it. She knew that life had its ups and downs. She knew that there were people who would hurt her and people she would hurt. Even though it all made sense in her mind, her heart just ached. It was hard to wake up in the morning knowing that the day would seem bleek and consumed by her brewing anger. The problem was that now she was feeling it all, she had less control. Nina wanted to be able to lock down her emotions again.

And there was not just the anger. Feeling the anger had allowed her to acknowledge her loneliness. It was such a strange emotion. It drove her to strange actions and reactions. It tempted her to latch on to any and every thing or one who will take her. There was some kind of power in that desire. It impassioned her to illogical conclusions. She wasn't even lashing out like she thought she wanted to. She wanted to hurt those who hurt her. She wanted to make them suffer like she did. But Nina knew it was wrong to want to lash out like that. So she did nothing. She could not talk to anyone about her thoughts and feelings. She did not want people to know how bad she was falling apart inside. But she did not want anyone to know. She wanted to pick up the pieces. Now, she was feeling drained and on the brink of giving up. She felt like she was slowly drowning in her overwhelming feelings. Nina did not know what else to do. She was not coping well. She was not the resilient person she knew herself to be. Any second she felt she was going to implode.