Mixed Emotions Tuesday.

It has been quite as day for me. I have a lot of work to do but I am taking a moment to reflect, to have a breather and think about something else other than computer software for a minute.

Today I had my annual review. It felt like an interview for a position that I already had. I had to answer questions about the results from a survey that was sent out to my co-workers....

Bossman: "This person said that you get frustrated and should ask questions sooner. What do you think about that?"
Me: "Well, I agree... I think that there are times that I want to figure things out myself and by the time I realize that I am having trouble figuring it out, I am frustrated with myself." (What else could I say here? No, I am perfect. This person is an idiot. Then again, that accessment does apply to the next comment.)

Bossman: "This person says that you need to work on your interpersonal relationships with end-users and management and your personal appearance and dress code. What do you think about this?"
Me: Here, it took every ounce of me not to say that the person who wrote this is just trying to hurt me cause he's an asshole and I hate him-- yes, I don't know anyone else that I would say that about but I can honestly say that I hate him. But instead I say, "Well, apparently that person doesn't like me. I have not broken dress code and I do not understand how I could improve my personal appearance." After all, it's not like I come to work smelling like ass, looking all deheveled. "As far as my interpersonal relationships, all of my other comments reflect that I have good interpersonal skills. I still think that this person just doesn't like me." And of course, it's true. From these comments, I can tell that he almost hates me as much as I hate him. Almost. Asshole.

So we move on to the part where I have to talk about whether or not I enjoy my job. I do know one thing-- I dislike that question. Enjoy my job? Do I enjoy testing and re-testing everyday? Well, I do know that it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life but I do enjoy being gainfully employed. And.... I cried. I cried during the review. I don't really know why and even after thinking about it, I still have no idea. I think that I was just stressed. I think that I didn't really have an answer to the main question-- the question of whether I enjoyed my job and whether it was something I wanted to be doing. I didn't want to be lying to anyone. But I also didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't committed to my job. Committed to the people here. Committed to each project that I worked on. Would I rather be doing something else? Maybe. I'd love to be in Somalia taking care of orphaned children. I'd love to be in DC working on finding ways to help Africans understand AIDS and its affects. I'd love to be writing and making money from it. But alas, I am here. Working in a corporate office, day in and day out.

And slowly, I am coming to accept that I did not get the scholarship that I wanted to go to school next year. I know that it's going to be post-poned another year. And I know that it's that much harder of a pill to swallow now. I had planned on just working until I went to school, now what?

The most comforting thing is that I will go home and my puppy will run to the door excited to see me. And my loving boyfriend will come home from work and will just hold me.