The Ex-Factor. A Short.

It was the way he smiled at me. It was feeling his breath on my cheek. It was the softness of the kisses touching my skin. It was the devotion in his eyes. The way he put his arm around my waist and squeezed to remind me that he was there for me. To support me. To love me. To care for me.

It was intriguing though. Our life had been thrown into fast forward. Our passions preceded the creation of our foundation. Now, we had a foundation but a rocky one at that. I had already told him but I was pretty sure there was at least a marginal chance that he'd leave me. He'd just up and disappear one day. Go right back to his ex where-- even if he wasn't happy-- the gig was easier. Less responsibility. After all, I was sick almost everyday now. He wouldn't choose to take care of some sick broad over having no responsibilities and plenty of fun. Or so I let myself believe.

But it had been one of those days. One of the days that his ex called multiple times throughout the day. He'd pull the vibrating phone out of his pocket and confidently hit the silencing button as though to show that he didn't really want to talk to her anyhow. I knew that the second he was away he'd pick up the phone and call her back. After all, he was a nice guy. Even though, that also meant that sometimes, he was too nice. Sometimes though.

It was a balancing act for me. He was a nice guy. Courteous, sweet and charming. That was how I became attracted to him in the first place. Then he had those moments where he'd tell me not to be mean to him-- or tell me not to do any other assortment of things. What he forgets is that I am not some trainable dog who will comply to all commands. He'd tell me that I have no reason to be mean to him. Even though, 2 minutes before, I'd listed off my reasons and concerns. Maybe he was right. Maybe in his mind, no one should ever be mean to him. All of the rest of us were just supposed to take whatever he dished out without complaint or objection. Mustn't wake the bear.

I felt like it was a constant pendulum swing. One moment we were swinging upward to the left, having a wonderful dinner overlooking the water and making others jealous of our relationship. Then the highest point was hit and the pendulum was back on the downwards drop. Of course, these moments were mostly my fault because I had sat too long thinking about her phone calls and surprise visits when she knew I wouldn't be around. I'd get upset and he'd tell me that he loved me that that I had no reason to be upset. And all I could think was "If you loved me, then you would make things different. If you loved me then you wouldn't need both of us in your life. And you would make sacrifices for me, like actually making a clean break from a girl you 'broke up' with."

Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe they just say that relationships are about sacrifice. Maybe relationships are really about how much bullshit you are willing to put up with from that certain person. But on the days that I wasn't consumed by such thoughts, I knew that I cared about him. I knew that I wanted him in my life. It was the self-preservationist in me who questioned it all. And now... well, now, the situation had changed. A little bun in the oven. It always changes everything. I wished that I'd figured out all the answers to the questions in my head. I wanted to be the best for my little one. Still, I felt so confused. What was I doing? Were my imaginings that I'd had all my life correct? Was I supposed to just be alone? I wouldn't just be alone now but I knew we'd find happiness.

I gripped my stomach as Ellen's theme show screamed from the television.

Another prayer to the porcelain god.