lessons learned.

It's intriguing to me that people stay in relationships after they have identified what it is that they do not like and are not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Most people give quite a bit of thought to the relationships that they find themselves in. People think about what would be a "deal breaker" for them. They learn about their partners "deal breakers" and other eccentricities. Then there's everything else. You learn about personality differences and how one reacts to different situations. You learn about what your partner does or says that sets you off and what you do or say that can set them off. Some of these traits and behaviors take little time to discover. Others come to light over time.

What amazes me is that someone will date someone for years and learn about many of those things that they don't like and then they will finally end a flailing relationship to find something better. Or at least, hopefully, something more in tuned with the traits and behaviors desired. So let's say that Janet breaks up with her boyfriend of 4 years, Henry. Over the years, Janet learned many things about Henry. They lived together for most of their relationship and it didn't seem like there was much more that she could learn about him. She already knew that it unnerved her that he'd shave and not clean up the sink afterwards. She'd get out of the shower every morning just to rinse the sink while she brushed her teeth. Now, she would no longer have to do that. It was a great thing.

There were lots of things about her relationship with Henry that she had learned that she wasn't all that happy with. She knew that he liked to have sex with his socks on. For her, it was just weird. Sweaty socks just aren't attractive as far as Janet was concerned. She also knew that they argued about the dumbest things. They argued often and with a crazy kind of intensity. Henry and Janet fought passionately-- after all, both parties were damn sure that they were right. Janet also knew that she never quite trusted Henry. Their relationship started off as an affair. She told herself that she'd never get involved with a married man again.

Then she met Evan. Evan was good-looking, charming and suave. He knew the right things to say to perk and keep a woman's interest. Janet thought he was great. They went on a couple of wonderful first dates. It wasn't until his phone wouldn't stop ringing that she discovered that he was married. Well, in the middle of a divorce, but married nonetheless. "In the middle of a divorce" was forgiveable though. Her "never get involved with a married man" theory flew out the door with impressive speed. After all, he was obviously ready to be back in the dating scene again. They'd been dating for a month when they had their first fight. He wanted to stay out at the bar longer and she was ready to call it a night. The fight ended with him ordering another Crown and 7 and her storming out of the bar. The whole ride home she was frustrated with the fact that they'd had their first argument and that it was a dumb one at that. She was soon to discover that it was the first of many arguments to follow. It was like she was dating Henry all over again.

What she failed to notice was that it wasn't just Evan. She was treating Evan like he was Henry. She initiated many of the arguments and was oblivious to her habit of doing so. Janet had forgotten that when she got back out on the dating scene that she couldn't expect every man to be like Henry. She couldn't automatically behave the same way that she did with Henry. She was now generating and perpetuating the issues that she'd had with Henry, with Evan.

It amazes me how many people do not realize this type of predicament. When you start a new relationship, it is a new, potentially flourishing thing. You cannot go into the relationship with the same chips on your shoulder and presumptions that were gathered from the past relationships. OR else you will taint the new relationship. It may not be a guaranteed failure. But it is guaranteed that you are not making it as simple as it could be. Relationships aren't simple to begin with but dragging all of your old issues and drama into a relationship are not beneficial. We have past relationships that we can learn from, but you can learn from a relationship and keep all of those lessons in the back of your mind without dragging every piece of it into a developing relationship.

After all, they are supposed to be lessons learned. Not lessons that tarnish every future relationship.