officially the last.

It's nice to be back in the city where I grew up. It's nice to get to see some familiar faces and catch up with people who I haven't seen in years.

I met up with a friend of mine from high school tonight. We were close friends. There was a group of five, and sometimes a sixth, of us who always hung out. We went to each other's houses. We had lunch together everyday. We were a tight knit group.

The first of the five of us got married right out of high school. The second one got married just a year ago. A third just got engaged this past year and I just found out tonight that the fourth plans to be engaged in a matter of months. And that leaves the fifth. The lonely fifth. Me.

And the thing is that I don't think that it really bothers me but it induces some kind of response in me that made me think about blogging about it on the drive home. Maybe it's just something to blog about. Or maybe, just maybe, I might be wondering if I am too cynical. That in itself is scary for I don't really think that I'm ridiculously cynical. Definitely more cynical than most but not over the top. Or so I thought. The other thing is that it's not like I'm even in a healthy enough relationship that I would even consider marriage. Then again, I guess you have to have a relationship to start with before you can deduce how healthy it is.

I'm not jealous though. It just reminds me of the time that I have "wasted" in my life. I spent three--almost four--years in a job that didn't make me happy. I spent those same years not going back to school to do something different. On the other hand, I don't regret that time spent. I got to meet some great people and have some experiences that I would not have otherwise.

Still, it's bittersweet to be the last. I encourage myself and tell myself that I am pursuing my dreams. That I am looking for my place in the world and that it's not until I find my niche that I can even think about a partner. A partner? What the hell am I thinking? I don't need anyone. Obviously, all of my past relationships have worked out swimmingly and since I seem to be the common denominator between them all.... must be me.

It is a little bit depressing though that I can't seem to sustain a relationship. There's probably many factors to that--namely, fear. Fear of that commitment and fear of making the wrong decision. I never want to feel like I'm settling. I want to be swept off my feet but it's ridiculous to even hope for such a thing. And I've never wanted marriage. It feels like everyone falls into the mold though. You grow up. You go to school. You get a job. You get married. You procreate. You raise them. You retire. I just don't know how appealing that mold is to me. I am a cynic and a skeptic of such things. I think that I'm okay with this. But it's like in any non-competitive sport-- last is still last and it still blows to be last.