ranting.

I should be working right now because I have a lot that I need to complete by tomorrow and I'm a little nervous that I'll run out of time. With that said, I am having a tough time staying on task with work. I want to be frantically looking for apartments (oh, yeah. I'm moving. More about that later.) and trying to find roommates. I've got a good lead on one roommate. It's nice that I have so many friends where I am moving. They have been quite helpful. I would like to be spending some time hanging out with the family more and trying to pack and organize my life. But, in the past week, I have exerted a lot of my energy on the recent "being told to fuck off and never speak to said person again." Let's call him, John. It's a benign name. No one will ever know the true identity.

So, after John's explosive kicking me out of his life on Monday, I literally spent most of Monday crying. I woke up depressed the next morning and just wanted to sleep. Fortunately, I have a contract that pays well that I need to work for to actually make the money. And I have to go to the adoption center. Otherwise, I think I would have stayed in bed on Tuesday. I finally got up and motivated. I ended up speaking to John via instant messaging by the end of the day. It was a brief conversation. Then he left me a message and signed off. I responded to it, again briefly. That response resulted in an actual email from him. And it's been going back and forth since then. And now, as of Wednesday, he wants to make amends and at least be friends that talk every once and a while.

All that's fine and dandy except for the fact that the ping-pong effect is getting to me. It's tough to go through really caring about someone and devoting all of my time to them during a certain point where he needed help. Only to be thrown out of someone's life for seemingly indefinite amount of time. And I understand that everyone has their breaking points. Maybe his breaking point was the actual missing the birthday. In reality, it was compounded with many undiscussed and buried issues. But that action, or lack of action, might have pushed him over the edge. But any true friendship (or relationship) that is devoted to the betterment of it, does not give up so easily. I personally think that it is absolutely ridiculous to tell someone that you are never speaking to them because of something unintentional that they did. John prides himself on being so forgiving of an ex who cheated on him. But, I do not deserve such graciousness. There was one point that John and I were not speaking for a time period of about 3 weeks. He was constantly upset with me and we just fought when we talked. So, I asked for a break from it all and he grudgingly complied. That time was a good break. It seemed that there was a greater appreciation for each other after that.

What I don't understand is that it is okay for him to behave this way. He has these crazy mood swings. Even when we were together, he'd be happy and then pissed at me because of something else I wasn't doing enough. He thinks that after being told to never speak to him again, that I should just go running back to him once he decides that he might have been upset and not meant all the cruel things that he said. I truly don't even understand why he would change his mind because he apparently, thinks very little of me. He thinks that I'm in capable to displaying affection or expressing my love for someone. He makes statements like "that's just not who you are." Oh really? Well, pushing me away is definitely the best way to actually know anything about me and my character. He's been pushing me away by not sharing since the accident. And then getting upset with me when I don't do the right thing. How many times is someone supposed to put themselves back in that situation before enough is enough? I'm upset now and I'm writing this while I'm completely frustrated with the situation. I probably shouldn't but I'm venting. I just don't understand it.

If I physically threw someone out of my house, for example, and then came back two days later and told them that I wanted them to come back. Mind you, this is not the first time this has happened. There's been about 4 other times that I've locked this person out of the house and not let them back in for hours. This time I'd tried to make it permanent. After all, this person doesn't clean up the kitchen and doesn't keep their stuff put away or anything else. This person is imperfect. What I forget is that I'm imperfect and that another issue is that I'm unwilling to change, to give just a bit.

Alas, I understand how we got to this point. As I've said before, the relationship was volatile and tumultuous. There were just 30 days of the honeymoon period. Everything was great then. But I knew, even then that there was a possibility that this could go badly, very badly. Still, there was also the chance that it could be amazing and wonderful and that seemed to be the direction that it was taking. To this day, he fantasizes about getting that honeymoon period back. And that's the only time that I was "perfect". After that, there was nothing that I could do right. I was constantly missing something, not doing something enough. And he didn't back down. It was all my fault. After a while, I got worn down and it gets harder to pick up the pieces and live up to those standards while I'm continuously knocked back down by another complaint about the shit that I should be doing.

This is just my rant. I do not know what it means for the present situation. I'm just tired of being so hurt and then yo-yo-ed back in to the caring part of him.