three strikes.

If 'only life wasn't like baseball. I've finally done it. I've lost a friend and someone that I cared about deeply. They didn't die but they shoved me out of their life. I didn't think that this day would come. I also didn't know the rules of what was an unforgivable sin. But now, I know.

I forgot a birthday. I forgot to call and give birthday wishes. I have forgotten my own family members' birthdays before. They forgave me and we moved on. I feel awful about it but birthdays were never really a big deal. I didn't even get anything from my family for my birthday this year. I don't mind that. Plus things like that mean more on days that it's not expected. (For example, buying a watch for someone and sending it to them just because.) The days get busy and although I plan to call. I get busy and forget. I'm not making excuses. I'm just devastated that it ended on that note. Apparently, during this transition time in my life, I've been a shitty friend. There's probably more complaints out there. This recent one is just a slap in the face. I was told to never call again. And that there was no friendship to be had. When the reality is, that there's no relationship and that's the issue. The issue is that I do not profess my love or tell this person that I care about them enough. Really, I didn't do anything enough. It's not the first time that this has been an issue but apparently, it IS the last.

The thing is that I'm not in a relationship. He's been on dates. He's trying to "move on." And I am trying to figure out my life. To quit the job that I've had for the past 4 years--which I've successfully done. I'm trying to figure out my next step. I can't make anyone do anything for me. Maybe that's part of it. I have little faith in people and so I'm constantly surprised by the little things. He, on the other hand, expects the little things. I, apparently, suck at providing them. I really think though, that I could not have done anything to make him happy. There would always be something else that I failed to do. I've failed for the last time now. I don't think that I've ever had someone tell me that they never want to speak to me again. Now, I have. It breaks my heart that it ended like this. I thought that we could be friends. I definitely had moments of wondering if it would actually work out. But alas, such wonderments are pointless now.

It's very depressing to me. And it comes at an inopportune time. I'm trying to move. I'm trying to find a place to live long distance. I'm stressing out about whether I'll have a job in the next couple of months or enough money to survive law school. I don't even know if law school is the right decision anymore. But I'm pushing forward. Scared shitless. Needing the support of friends and family.

And I've apologize. My apology was flatly rejected. I don't know what else to say. And I guess, there's nothing more to say because he won't speak to me anymore. He succeeded in his goal of hurting me how I hurt him. My hurt wasn't intentional though. I legitimately forgot. I hate myself for forgetting. I thought about it the day before. I even looked for a bouquet of flowers online but I thought he'd think that was lame and he's never home to pick things up anyway. Then I got caught up doing something else and never came back to what I should do. All I had planned was to call. I failed at that. And it's the unforgivable sin to him. It's the deal breaker.

There was a song that made me think of him that I heard the other day. I was going to tell him that but I thought it'd be cheesy. Now, I know that the things that I don't do because I think they'll be cheesy are sometimes the things that I should do. I've failed at many relationships before so maybe it is me. My communication could definitely stand some fine tuning. But we aren't even near each other.

I'm totally devastated. It hurts to have someone that you care about think so little of you. I've only had one other conflict in my life similar to this. Except I never dated that person. It was just another break down of communication. But I've struck out again. Maybe this is another reason I don't like baseball. You get to watch a game where the goal of the opposite team is to get the batter to fail. To get him to fuck up three times. To miss the ball. To not to the right thing at the right time. Sometimes, as the batter, I feel like he just wanted an excuse for me to fail. To see me fail so that he could pull out. Kick me out of the game. Never to have another chance. Either way, he ended it. It's depressing. Over the top, depressing. But my hands are tied. He doesn't care to reason with me. Or speak to me at all. Three strikes (not that I knew about any of them before) and I'm out. I disagree on one point--that it's not worth it. But it doesn't matter. It makes me sick to my stomach but I've struck out.