nothing.

I feel like I have nothing left in me. It's almost a hollow feeling. It feels not great but real. It's just one of those times that I feel reflective. Feeling like I've given so much and tried so hard for naught. I don't understand any of it right now. I feel like I should have kept a journal or a chart. A chart that would track the ups and downs. It'd be easier to assess just how extreme they were. Right now, it seems like they were pretty extreme. I wish I had a journal to track the everchanging mood swings. To chart the days that I think I've done okay and done the "right things." And then compare them to the days that I'm told that what I do is definitely not enough or not timed right.

Still, somehow I'm not bitter. Feeling a bit foolish. But not bitter. The anger comes every once and a while. Really, it's just sad. Deeply sad. And frustrating. Like I'm running as fast as I can in one of those hamster balls and wondering why I'm still in the same spot.

But I'm getting a vacation. Some time to clear my head. Be with people who love me for me.

And the saying that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all-- that statement is ridiculous. Cause really, they are the same thing. You love and you have the pain and sadness, the ups and downs. You never love and you have the pain and sadness because you are alone. It's not better to have loved and lost. It's better to have loved and kept. But you can't keep what keeps pushing you away.