not ready.

I don't know what's worse...anticipating loss or just losing it. Part of me thinks that the anticipation almost makes it worse. The pending eventuality of it is a little nerve racking. You try to prepare yourself for the inevitable. But then it comes and it still sickens you, saddens you and takes all kinds of energy out of you that you didn't even know you had. My stomach feels sickened. I think I need to eat but I have no desire to do so. I kinda feel like I'm going to vomit. Once again, it's that physical manifestation of emotion.

I don't want to have to wait again. I tell myself that it's not so bad. But it's definitely far from easy. I don't want to go to sleep alone tonight. I don't want to have the bed to myself. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and reach across the bed to an empty spot. I don't want to eat alone. I don't want to sit on my couch alone.

I miss his presence. I miss his comfort. I miss his smile. I miss his touch. I just want him back right now. I need him back. Here with me from now on.