broken promises.

"I just wish that I was a priority in your life," I said. My voice was sad but I was trying to hide how much it hurt me.

"You are a priority," he says. His voice was gentle with a feeble attempt to be comforting.

"If I was a priority, you wouldn't have all these excuses for why you don't come over, you don't hang out, you can barely stand to touch me." My voice trembled towards the end of my explanation. I was so tired of having the same damn conversation. I was so hurt and I just felt like he didn't care to change his behavior. He didn't care to show me that I meant something to him.

"Sam, I do hang out. I do touch you. What are you talking about?" he insured me.

I was exhausted. I was still fighting off the flu that I'd caught from him. Maybe from that one time he'd kissed me in the past two months. I felt like I was the parasite. I felt like he didn't exert any effort because he didn't really love me, because he didn't really care. I had been angry about it for so long--pushing him away like he did me. Now, I was tired of being angry. It took so much energy, which is exactly what I lacked. My anger had morphed to sadness and hurt. It must be me then. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I expect too much of him. Maybe he thinks I'm not worth the effort. He has to think that. If he didn't, he'd change. Right?

I looked into his eyes and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I casted my eyes downwards.

"Nothing. I've told you already. I've told you before. You tell me that I am important to you, that I am a priority. Then you go hang out with other people and tell me that you didn't have time for me because you were tired. You make time for everyone else. You make time for football. You make time to work late..." I couldn't say anymore.

There were moments. Moments like this that I was afraid that I was dating my father. He worked late for the bimbo that he could bend over whenever he wanted. I didn't understand why Alan didn't devote time to me. And it was moments like this that I wondered if he wanted to be somewhere else, with someone else. I just want him to break up with me if that's the case. I can't be on the periphery of his life for much longer. There has to be someone out there who will love me and show me that they do. There's has to be someone who wouldn't trade my company for football or golf or work. I understand that there are things outside of a relationship. There have to be activities outside of the relationship, but I also knew that there had to be a relationship to begin with. I didn't feel like I even had that anymore.

He treated me like he'd rather eat shit than hold my hand in public. He acted like he could care less about me when people were around then he wanted to sit next to me when we were alone. And of course, I thought up all kinds of craziness...maybe he's banging someone that we know or maybe he just wants to be. Still, I don't really believe such things. I have no reason not to believe them because he doesn't act like I am important to him. I am an afterthought to him. He says that he'll do something or be somewhere and all I get is the excuse the next day. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of the excuses. I'm tired of being treated like a forgotten toy. I might as well be alone for I feel so alone. So lonely. So tired. I don't ask too much. I just want to be thought of. I want to be valued at least as much as football. I want sincerity. I want Alan to care about me and to show it. Even though, he seems incapable of change. I'm still here. Still wondering why. Why he can't seem to show that he cares. Why he thinks I'm just going to sit here and be ignored while he lavishes every other thing and person in his life with attention and makes excuses about being to tired to do the same for me. Broken promises. And eventually, he'll break my heart and I'll give up and move on.

bathroom chatter.

it is my understanding that men tend to enter the bathroom and stop all conversation.... that is, except for those men who continue to talk on their cell phone in the bathroom. But it's pretty much understood that there is no meaningless chatter in the bathroom. This is not true when it comes to women and it irks me.

So the other day, I go into the bathroom followed by a woman that I work with. She proceeds to ask me how I'm doing and about this project that I'm working on. I give short answers because I go into the bathroom to use it and leave, not to hang out and chat. So I thought that we had finished out conversation and I head to a stall. She follows suit but begins to talk to me. This makes me uncomfortable. And when I think about it, there have been plenty of times that I talk to my girlfriends while we are in the bathroom. We talk about random things or we are at a bar and the bathroom is the quietest place. For me, those conversations are an exception to the rule. I'm not super close with my coworkers and I do not feel that we need to talk about work in the bathroom. This is why our office has conference rooms and the bathroom doesn't qualify as conference room no. 4. At this point she's just chatting along and really I don't have to respond, so I don't. I want her to stop talking to me. During her chatting, she's peeing and enjoying her one-sided conversation. I can't pee for the life of me. She's in the stall next to me and she's talking. I guess I was pee-shy for those horribly long minutes of her yappage. I tried to block her out and pee--after all, that's why I went to the bathroom in the first place. But I can't. She shuts up for a minute and flushes the toilet. I hear the zipping up and am relieved that she's finally leaving. She walks out of the stall and goes to the sink to wash her hands. When she finishes, she tells me goodbye as though she had to acknowledge that we came in to the bathroom at the same time yet she's leaving before me--before I've even peed. I say nothing. I just want her to leave. Finally, she does and I hear the gentle bang of the door. I relax and pee. It was a relief to be alone and in peace.

As I'm washing my hands, I wonder why that was so uncomfortable. And frankly, I still have no idea. I just know that I'm down with the unspoken rule for men's bathrooms. I may have to post a no talking rule in the women's bathroom. Or maybe I'll just go to the men's bathroom from now on.