It's a Monday.

It's a Monday that I catch myself daydreaming.... What did I think I would be doing at this point in my life? I thought that I would be in Africa doing sustainable development or some kind of non-profit work. My hair would always be braided. I would live without air conditioning and wake up every morning to the scents and sounds of Africa.

I would be out doing things everyday. Working with my hands and finally learning how to balance and carry things on my head. I would love the kindness and refreshing dispositions of the down to earth African people. I would eat beignets every Friday. I would know exactly which roads I should avoid during prayer time. I would eat a sandwich from the street vendor for lunch. I'd bask in the soul-warming sun.

Still, I dream of being anywhere but here. It's just one of those days that I wish I was following my dreams. I am no where near where I want to be. I don't want to be settling for this life and regret it all in a few years.

I just want to up and leave. I keep pricing tickets to... elsewhere. One day, I'll buy one and I'll be gone. Off to explore the world. Happy to get away from it all and live my dreams.

life is like...

a box of chocolates? a game of poker?

I think I've discovered why I don't like poker. It's a game where people either lie or fold. Similar to life. There are those that just lie their way through life. They tell you everything they want you to believe to save themselves from dealing with reality. Then there are those that just fold. They give in to all. They don't have to balls to fight to the finish. They just call it quits because they are unwilling to change.

And what about everyone else? Those folks don't play poker.

Recovering.

It's been four days since Nora got spade. On the first day, she was still a little bit out of it and walked everywhere-- she normally runs everywhere. But by the second day, she seemed perfectly fine. She was back to jumping up on the couch-- even though, I tried to get her to calm down and not jump on everything. The only thing is that she's in the itchy stage of healing. Now that the wound is starting to heal, it itches and so she wants to lick and bite it. While I am around, I watch her and tell her not to bite at the incision. But when I'm away, she has to wear this elizabethean collar. It's a clear blue plastic but she hasn't quite figured out that it makes her head bigger and so she runs into things like door jams. As awful as it is to laugh at her, it is quite funny.

Overall though, she's doing well. At least that makes one of us.

Oh, and she lost her first tooth yesterday. (Yes, dogs lose their teeth. Think about it-- could they really have the same small little teeth they had when they were little?)

Stress-filled day.

I had to take my Nora to the vet this morning to get spade. As I dropped her off, I handed her to the nurse and had to immediately put my head down as the tears started to well up in my eyes. I had to sign a form telling them that I wanted them to give her pain medication. I was appalled that I even had to tell them that. I looked at the nurse with a shocked look on my face, "So wait, if I don't pay for the pain shot before surgery, you will just tear her womanly parts out without pain medication?" (Ok, I didn't say the whole tearing her parts out part.) She tells me, calmly, "We give her a traquilizer but once that wears off..." Mean woman. Cold hearted. I couldn't believe that. I mean, I guess all those hippie folks wouldn't want to give their pets pain shots because they had a stash at home so they could just get the dog high. I don't have a stash. So, of course, I'm going to get my dog pain medication. I'd kill someone if they ripped out my womanly parts and told me to suck it up. I signed for pain shot and the pain medication to go home. Now, I understand why people go to cheap spay/neutering places-- because vets pile on the bills. Each thing costs more. And more. And then you just feel like a bad pet owner when you hand the list to the nurse and you only checked two boxes. Judgmental nurses suck.

Yes, you may be wondering "umm.. I wonder if she (that she being me) really hates that nurse or if she's just trying to have some other emotion then horrible, petrified fear that her puppy's going to die?" And the answer to that question is yes. As soon as I signed the slip and handed it to the nurse (she'd already taken Nora away), I couldn't control my tears. I basically ran out of the office so she wouldn't see me cry--- ok, bawl.

I just sat in the car for a minute trying to collect myself. What if they mess up? What if they cut the wrong thing? Does he normally work on small animals? She's only 4.4 lbs. There's not much to work with there.

The nurse told me that if they didn't call me then everything went fine but that I could call if I wanted to check in. I tried to swallow the knot in my throat and somehow choked out "Don't worry. I'll call."

Still, the worst part is that I don't get Nora back until TOMORROW. What am I supposed to do? I might have to drink myself to sleep. Normally she cuddles with me and I pet her as we go to sleep. Then she wakes me up in the morning when she has to go to the bathroom. I'm going to miss her like crazy. I'll probably cry myself to sleep.

Stagnant.

Rivers ebb and flow through the rocks and grasslands. Sometimes, they swell with water and make the grass green and lush. Other times, they are so low that some areas barely trickle and we forget that it even existed.

Stagnant water starts as a mere puddle or pond. Then, it grows algae and becomes the home for various insects. Eventually, stagnant water begans to reek. It reeks because it is going nowhere. It is not flowing towards the sea or a lake. It has no real significance.

Still, it might rain and that rain could flow through the stagnant water mixing it with the ever-flowing river. But it could just stay stagnant and be satified with its predicament.

Where is that river?

rambling.

I haven't written in a while so I feel like I should write something but I really have nothing significant to say--not that all of my other posts are significant.

I'm glad that tomorrow is Friday because Fridays mean a break from work. But tomorrow is also the day that Nora goes to the vet to get spayed. AND they are keeping her overnight. I'm not going to know what to do with myself. Might have to double up on the Lexapro... I'm going to be a nervous wreck. And it's all because of a dog I had when I was little. Her name was Honey. She had a litter of puppies--13 of them-- and then my parents had her spayed or something. All I know is that she had some kind of surgery and she kept tearing and biting at her stitches. She undid them once and we got her stitched back up. Then she kept knawing and clawing at them and they got infected and she died from the infection. We ended up having to take care of 13 5-day-old pups. So really, the worst part is not that Nora will be having surgery but more that I have to be the best mother ever to get her not to irritate her stitches and get them infected. But I have to think positive...

I need to get out of this building for a while. I need to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. I want to go back to Africa but the longer I stay here stagnant, I see that dream drifting further and further away. I was so happy in Africa. I loved the people. I loved the relaxed environment. I think I'd cry upon arrival. I can just imagine landing in Dakar, thinking about the last time I was there. When I was completely enthralled with the country. It was beautiful and there were beautiful people there. I immediately thought to myself, "I could call this home." But alas, I live in here and just dream of other places....

What's the point of doing something that you don't enjoy if life's so short? Maybe I should just go. Go and explore. Figure it all out along the way.

A romp in the park.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that Nora needed to socialize more so we went to the dog park. I knew that this dog park had a small dog area so I wasn't worried about her being devoured by some big dogs confusing my baby for a squirrel or something.

We got there and went to the small dog area. It was in the late afternoon on and overcast day. No other small dogs were in the small dog area. There were a few big dogs in the all dogs section. So, I decided that Nora and I would walk through the all dog area, making sure to avoid big dogs. We get down to the pond where everyone else is and there are two big dogs playing rough. Nora watches them for a while then spins on her haunchs and starts to haul ass back towards the small dog area. Every fifteen feet or so, she'd stop and check to make sure I was behind her then she'd keep running. We got back to the small dog area and she was better. She knew that there was a fence between her and those big dogs. So, she decides that she's going to bark at every dog that passes by because there is now a fence between her and them. The barking continues for a while then she starts sniffing around.

An owner walked into the all dog area carrying a small yorkie as her yorkipoo walked next to her. Once they saw Nora and I, they decided to come over and play with us in the small area. It took a little while for them to warm to each other. The yorkie was even smaller than Nora and he was older than she. Soon, they hit it off and started chasing each other and playing. Whenever Nora got a free minute, she'd run to the sand and start vigorously digging a hole. She had sand all over her. Nora keeps playing and running with the other dogs. After a while, she figures out that if she goes in the little shallow pond that they wouldn't follow her. So in she went. Finally, the yorkipoo caught on to her little game and followed her in the water. Rolling and playing in the water commenced. The little yorkie never got in the water but he'd still run and play when Nora and the yorkipoo ran around. Nora was definitely the instigator. She'd chase one of them and then turn around and let them chase her. The yorkie didn't make a sound besides this high pitched squeaking noise that sounded exactly like one of Nora's squeaky toys. It was quite a humorous scene. The squeaking yorkie, the wet yorkipoo and the wet and sandy toy poodle.

The yorkie and the yorkipoo left and Nora and I went back into the all dog area for a bit but she still wasn't a fan. I ended up having to pick her up because she was so petrified and because I'm her mommy so I have to protect her. I ended up with wet shirt with sand clinging to me and a cold puppy. We went back to the car and I wrapped her in a towel for the drive home.

She had a great time with the small dogs. And the big dogs, as long as she could bark at them from the other side of the fence.

I think we might have to go back to the dog park sometime.

a beautiful day.

Today is a wonderful day. My puppy woke me up earlier than I wanted to get up but I would have only gotten 20 more minutes. And I'd much rather that she wake me up so she can go outside rather than having to clean up the mess later.

I put my hair up so I wouldn't scare the neighbors or any passerbys. We went outside and she did her business. When we came back in, I laid in bed a little bit longer thinking of what to wear. Finally, I tore myself from my bed and got ready for work. As I'm browsing through the closet, my fingers brushed a pair of jeans. The jeans. I stopped looking for work clothes and grabbed the hanger. I slid the jeans off the hanger, unfolded them, and looked at them. It had been years since the last time I wore them. Sometimes, I wondered why I kept them. I could have given them away so many years ago. But they were decently worn and at one point, they were my favorite jeans.

I knew I'd lost a little bit of weight lately so I just had to try them on. After all, they were my skinny jeans. I slipped my right leg in first and stepped through with ease. I smiled and slid my other leg in. Now the real challenge... could I get them over my thighs and would they zip up? It was a piece of cake to pull the jeans up. I buttoned and zipped them up with ease. I fit into my skinny jeans! I could hardly believe it. I ran to the mirror and looked at them. It had been years! I was wearing my skinny jeans and I even had a bit of room around the waist. I could hardly believe it. Today is a beautiful day.

I think I'll wear them to work on Friday.

fridays are always good.

I cannot wait to not be at work any longer. I am not really motivated today. I need to get a couple of documents submitted but really it could wait.....

I just need to have my own space. My own space to try not to think about this upcoming season. About the fact that football season is my hell. I might as well live in Antartica alone because that is what I will be. Alone. Maybe I'll travel during this football season. I can go visit family and friends. Then I will have my own thing to do and he can do his. Not that he would give up football to do anything else.

I used to love autumn for the trees and the cooler weather. I still do. But now, it's the only thing I love autumn for. After all, autumn means loneliness until the middle of winter.

:(

There are those days that you just want to scream at the top of your lungs but then you look around and realize that no one's listening and no one actually cares.