up and down.

It's been a very intense past month for me. It's the past month that I have been debating about moving back to be with my family. It's a scary thought. I feel torn when really I'm not. My family is my family and they will always be the most important thing to me. Still, it's hard to walk away from a life that you've created for the past three years. I'm going to miss being here. I just wish that others understood that even though I am damn stubborn and try not to show how stressed out I am by this whole process, I am struggling. It's not easy to just walk away. It's not easy to quit your job and move on to something else unknown. It's not easy to leave the friends that you know and love.

I've been very emotional since yesterday. I put my notice in yesterday. Today one of my old bosses came and gave me a hug to tell me that he would miss me. I just teared up. It's not easy to leave. I don't know that I am making the right decision. I don't know anything though. I just feel that I should take care of my dad and go home. I know that my family needs me. They have done plenty for me in the past. It's only right for me to go home to be there for them.

So all of you out there, who are sad and upset with me for leaving. Don't think that it's easy on me. I'm the one who has to follow through with the insanity of moving and being back home with my family. I don't know that I'm ready for it. I do know that I'm willing to go through the motions until I discover that I should doing something else.

I will miss you all here. Hopefully, I'll get more of a chance to do the things that I hold dear to my heart...spending time with my family, riding horses through pastures of grass, enjoying the freedom of living in the country.

sleep escapes me

I have been staying up way to late recently. Going to bed around 2am or crashing on the couch at some point during the night. It probably has something to do with the fact that I keep sleeping during the day. It's hard to think of moving after 3 and a half years. It's tough when everywhere you drive by, you wonder if it will be the last time. So many memories in so many places. I'm sad to go but feel that it is the right decision for now.

I still have dreams and aspirations and I have halted my pursuit of those while living here. Moving is just a motivator. I have to get up and do something that I love to do. It's time to go back to school. It's time to reach out and make a difference in this world instead of sitting in this hell hole of a cube and hoping that the little things matter to someone, somewhere.

I know now that this work is not what I am cut out for. My ass is literally sore and numb from sitting in a cubicle all day long. Hunched over a laptop when I'd rather be doing almost anything else. My window of opportunity has revealed itself. It's time to pick up and move on. Knowing in my head that moving on is a good decision and knowing that in my heart are two different--very different-- things right now. I love the independence and freedom of my current lifestyle. I dread losing that. But I need to kick start my next step in this life. And, here, sitting in my cubicle, I am going nowhere. I must be off. Off on an adventure that will shape the rest of my life.

Little Nora

feeling abased

That's probably not the perfect word that I was looking for as an enlightening title but it works for now. I didn't want to say feeling "down" because it doesn't really convey the right idea. I'm not down per se. More so, mellow and withdrawn. I'm not sure those are the words I want either. Ugh.

I feel like the time for change is now. So many things fall into place and make it seem appropriately timed. But there are still the drawbacks. I still have friends and people I care about here in this city. I still enjoy their company and know that I will miss it when I make sweeping changes--like my state of residence. I'll miss the "big" city feel and the beach. I'll miss the individuals that have impacted my life.

It makes me want to be alone in a time that I should be spending time with those that I still have near me right now. Really, I'd rather just stay in bed. Warm under my covers and dream about the days to come.