little.decisions.

I've been really into making life changing decisions recently. And here I am on the cusp of another one. I think that I'm making the right decision. I'm already grieving the loss of the past. Stepping forward on the faith that I'm doing the right thing. I don't feel so young anymore and have more fleeting thoughts that I'm running out of time. That there are things that I should be doing but I'm not. Here I am though, pushing forward. Hoping for the best. 

ny filth...

is all over my feet. how gross is that? so... I was walking home tonight--wait, the story actually begins elsewhere. 

This past Tuesday I took some time during the day and went to see the Sex and the City movie. I loved it but wasn't having the best day. So I decided to take the opportunity and go buy some shoes. I bought some fabulous shoes. 

So tonight, I'm wanting to look fabulous for myself and I put on my new fabulous shoes. Well, this is the thing about shoes. Some of us women love them. I happen to be one of them. The thing that we are willing to sacrifice though, is comfort. I really didn't think that these shoes would be that bad. They are some pretty simple black patent heels. Probably a good 3 and a half inches. I like them alot. I forgot to think about the fact that I was in NYC and you walk EVERYWHERE. These shoes are not meant for wearing for 4 and a half hours straight. My feet are still telling me how much they hate me right now. 

I walked to the subway and then got to Manhattan and had to walk to the bar. Once I got there, I had to wait in line. The line wasn't that bad. Then I spent the next 20 minutes looking for my friend who was one of the bartenders. There were 4 bars and loads of people to sift through. I finally found him and chatted for too damn long standing on my heels. Though--the lovely thing about bartender friends is their generosity with alcohol. I guess I looked like I needed it. Finally, I knew that my feet needed a break so I bid my goodbyes and went to find a place to sit down. Well, this bar is pretty much a bottle service bar. So people are dropping 250-500 bucks on a bottle and partying it up. This also means that they get most of the seats in the house. So it's a bit of an endeavor to find a not "bottle service" seat. I finally do and sit there for 15 minutes or so until Alicia Keys "No one" comes on and I take that as my cue to leave.

I walk to the subway and get to sit on both trains. On the walk back home from the subway, I'm cursing the purchase of these shoes wondering if my feet might just combust or just start gushing blood everywhere. I walk a good ten blocks with the shoes on. I keep telling myself the next taxi I see, I'm going to take. I just can't take these shoes anymore! But I'm too damn stubborn and I keep walking. Finally at the last 4 blocks I give in. I take my shoes off. This is something that a prim and proper New York girl would never do. But under the circumstances, I saw little option unless I was willing to sleep on the closest stoop. The shoes came off. It was like being saved from walking on fire. Although now, I was very much walking on glass and however many diseases that the sidewalks of New York have to offer. The last block, I knew there was a lot of glass. So I had to put the shoes back on. The pain immediately shocked my feet again. I got to the door and took the shoes off before fishing the key out of my deep purse carrying everything else except a pair of flip flops which would have been fantastic about 20 blocks ago. 

The shoes that I bought are officially banished until I invest in some Dr. Scholls for Her or something to make this night not happen again. I guess I could start with not standing on them for 4 and a half hours straight...

 

check, please. a short story.

Charlie looked over at him sleeping on the couch. Sleeping again, she thought. It had gotten to the point that every little thing he did was under the microscope. He was sleeping now to avoid it all. He sleeps all of the time, she thought. But how had it gotten so bad?

It was mere months ago when the torrid affair had begun. She'd met him haphazardly, on a subway to Midtown. No one really chats on subways unless you know each other. They'd exchanged a couple of glances on the ride from Brooklyn. Both had opened their mouths at the same time in an effort to release the pressure from their ears as the subway chugged through the tunnel under the river. Charlie pretended not to notice him although she noticed most everything. From the remnants of beach sand left on a subway seat to the fact that his collar on his shirt was wrinkled in the back. She was getting off the train a stop before him, as the train jolted to a stop, he tapped her on the shoulder, "Um, you dropped this." Hanging her a folded sheet of paper. She looked up at him knowing she hadn't dropped anything. He'd already moved away to let an elderly woman pass. She clutched the paper in her hand and got off the train. 

After debating over calling him at all, she dialed. They chatted for a bit and decided to meet for coffee that same night. One date turned into 10 and they were officially an item. It seemed to come so easily with him. They'd laugh and chat on the phone until all hours of the night. They'd watch football or some horrible flick and be perfectly happy. 

In a city where lives are always shifting and apartment leases are always ending, it was just 3 months before they moved in together. They moved to Charlie's one bedroom apartment. Luckily, it was in Brooklyn and a decent sized place. There was actually an extra room they used as the study/ storage.

Charlie couldn't pinpoint when the spiraling downward began to happen. It just did. Curt had decided to point out every flaw in Charlie. She just couldn't do anything right. They promised each other that they would try to communicate better but nothing seemed to change for either party. Both of them had already put up their guards for the next thing that might spark conflict. If he was short with her when she'd ask him a question, she'd point it out to him. Of course, according to him, she didn't point it out to him in the right way and so he just fired back "you did the same thing yesterday." No apology, no remorse. Just tit for tat. Days before, Charlie thought that things might be getting better. Maybe he was seeing--as she'd tried to explain to him through his anger and denial--that maybe it wasn't the best plan for them to move in together. Maybe they both had some growing to do apart from each other that they couldn't seem to achieve together. All those carefree moments of laughing had become moments of holding one's breath and waiting for the next verbal punch. 

She honestly thought that a huge part of the problem was his expectations. He thought that when they moved in together he'd stop having the urges to order in every night. And he'd start waking up in the morning wanting to hit the gym and get back in shape. None of that had happened. They'd both been busy with work and just wanted to relax in the evenings. She thought that he'd become disappointed in himself. But he didn't see it as that. Maybe was projecting some of his frustration with himself onto her and causing strife where there was none. Charlie also knew that the situation was driving her a little crazy. She'd never had to share a space with someone before--much less a boyfriend. He didn't pick up the rug when he finished showering and it was soaking wet every time she walked in the bathroom. The worst part was that one argument that they had where he spent a good portion of it listing off the things that she did wrong or didn't do at all. Charlie was struggling to move on. After all, one can only deal with so many insults. Curt didn't even try to do it in a nice way. From his telling of the story, you'd think that Charlie was the only one at fault for any issues in their relationship. 

Charlie was at a loss. He was snoring by now. Loudly as he always did. It was the middle of the afternoon and that was his coping mechanism. She didn't want him to give up. Still, it seemed that there was nothing left. He'd rather tell her that she does the same things or that she doesn't change than even think about addressing any of his issues. She knew that she had some things to figure out. She also knew that she couldn't think straight with such hostility. He was so easily angered that it was frightening. Maybe it was time for a break. He must have a friend he can live with for bit.  They'd jumped in over their heads without knowing it and at this point there was no getting back. 

sex. and the city.

I finally went today and saw the Sex and the City movie. I'm a huge fan of the series. I own all of the seasons. I've watched the episodes multiple times. The movie was fantastic. It still had enough twists and turns and wasn't just a story about how their lives ended up after they all seemed to find their guy at the end of the sixth season.

ever thine. ever mine. ever ours.

I liked that quote. It just seems so positive. So hopeful.

I feel so Carrie sometimes. Just pensive. I missed that she didn't write more in the movie. I am quite reflective myself. I think about the relationships that I had in my life. I reflect upon them and where they went wrong or where the relationship was no longer working. Of course, all relationships take work. Some people want relationships to come easily. To just work. To ease along. Unfortunately, I'm quite a cynic. I question people's motives and I analyze people's actions--probably too much. I fundamentally believe that people don't change. Small changes maybe but not sweeping changes. I once believed that I could change someone if I loved them enough. It was a fleeting thought that carried with it a lot of pain. The experience reconfirmed that people don't change.

Really though, maybe overthinking it all is not good. Maybe it prevents one from doing certain things because they've thought about the actions too much.

There was another quote in the movie that I cannot find. It was something about that being in love is not determined by the length of the relationship. You can be in love with someone in weeks or months or years. I think I believe that. I used to say that I don't really believe or understand the concept of being in love. I do know about the pain afterwards though. It is tough to move on. I once dated someone and then things got not so great and we broke up. A year plus later, we dated again both at a better place with each other. Still, it didn't work out but that was just personalities.

I admit that I cried in the movie. I was so affected by the ploy of the characters. I mean, I guess that's the point of the show. As much as the 4 women have very different personalities, they are different in a way that allows most women to identify with one of them. Still, all of them are looking for love. And they all find it in their own way. It was a little too marriage-centric for me. Not everyone has to get married to find happiness. I've contemplated that once. Just once.

My biggest take-away is that I wish I had girlfriends like that. My friends from home are all married or engaged now. There's too much distance for the closeness of chatting about everyday life. We don't really talk about relationships either. But I would agree with Carrie, sometimes you need girlfriends to be able to tell the good from the bad. Or the ones that you need to move on from even though it hurts. Or rather, because it hurts.

Luckily, I'm in New York City now. Looking for the perfect apt. The perfect job--by going to school. And the closeness of friends.