A quote.

How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday, in life, you will have been all of these.

~George Washington Carver

A thought.

So the other day, I had a conflict with someone who will be left anonymous. This person was very adamant about being right and I know that I did what I was supposed to do and therefore there should not be any conflict. But when this person is convinced they are right, there is no convincing them otherwise. And the other factor is that I am pretty damn stubborn and if I am trying to prove a point. You WILL get it. :)

But during that conflict, my stomach was churning. I wasn't hungry though. It was like the frustration and anger were taking over. It was no longer a mere emotion. My body was physically responding to the situation. And that's happened before. But for a different emotion. I have felt physically ill from jealousy and fear.

Does that happen to other people? Do you have physical responses to intense emotions?

I'm curious.

Stars. A Short Story.

As Karen looked up at the sky, she felt whole. There was nothing else to interfere. The world was quiet. All was dormant.

She had decided to leave her cell phone in the car and she didn’t wear a watch. She had pulled up to her parking space at 1:06am. She had tossed and turned in the sheets. She decided to search for peace of mind at the beach. It was a short drive. She brought a blanket and unfolded it, slowly kneeling to the ground as it rippled in the wind. As soon as the blanket touched the ground she dropped her right knee down to hold it in place. She sprawled out on her back. She had a better view of the night sky. It was a clear night. Not a cloud in the sky. Karen took in a deep breath and sighed out loud. The stars reminded her of being at home.

Karen and her friends used to lie out on the road in front of her family’s farmhouse. They would gaze at the stars, calling out constellations and seeing who could identify it first. There was no traffic. The farmhouse was out in the middle of nowhere. In the distance, they could hear the howling of the coyotes.

On the beach, the crashing of the waves as the tide came in replaced the howling of coyotes. Karen preferred the soothing sounds of the ocean. She was at a crossroad in every aspect of her life. Questions, thoughts and concerns kept her up most nights as of recently. She was exhausted now. Both physically and emotionally. She closed her eyes and listened to the ocean and thought about her current situation. She thought she had been in love. Maybe she still was. But it was a forbidden union. Her parents wouldn’t like him. They would want someone else. Her parents knew that Karen had big dreams. She wanted to become world renown for her studies. She was a dissertation away from her Doctorate and wanted to do more. She was doing research working in a lab every day searching for a cure for AIDS. She had a passion for life. She had a passion for saving lives. They wanted her to have a mate that had that same kind of passion. But it was not just her parents that held her back. She couldn’t love someone enough to make them better.

She thought about the patterns in her relationships. Hurting people seemed to gravitate towards her. And she’d love them despite all the hurt. Her analytical tendencies flowed into every aspect of her life. Both work and personal. Karen had relationships with people she could help. If they lacked confidence, she’d spend her energy building up their confidence. Trying to make them believe in themselves. And those relationships never worked out. She would date someone because she thought she could fix them, she thought she could make them better. She didn’t always date someone that she could see herself with in 20 years.

The stars seemed to be floating in the black sky. She had thought this time would be different. She wanted to be in love with every part of her being. It must not be my time, she thought. But I am happy with my life. I love my work. I love the research and getting to travel and meet the faces of the lives I hope to save.

She sighed and rolled to her side to watch the dark mass rise and fall.

Fans. Lamps. Alarm Clocks. And Hot Water.

These are all things I missed during my period of time without electricity. The weather has cooled down lately so I didn't miss the air conditioner too much but it would have been nice to have a bit of a breeze. And even though, I know my apartment, it's just more comfortable when you can see where you are going. And I finally, finally could stop tripping on that same shoe. Or at least, I think it was the same shoe. I was really getting tired of jolting awake during the wee hours of the morning, panicking and thinking that I was late for work. And hot water. I love hot water. Even washing dishes was exciting.

I finally got my electricity back yesterday afternoon. I was told that it was supposed to be done by noon and when I went home during my lunch hour, no one had been there. No one. So I called the landlord. I was not so happy. He made some calls and by the time I got home that evening the power was back on. The apartment was filthy with all the workers who had been tracking dirt and cutting holes in my wall. There was dust everywhere. But now the place is getting closer to clean and my lights are back on. Time to keep writing.

Lights! Camera!... Wait, no electricity?!

My weekend has been interesting to say the least. On Thursday of last week, a tree fell across my driveway taking powerlines, phone lines and whatever other kind of lines with it. I was sitting on my couch when it happened. I heard this cracking noise and felt the thunderous thud as the tree hit the ground. At first, I thought it had hit the apartment because the sound seemed so close. Somehow, though, we were much luckier. The tree missed my car and the other tenant's car that was parked in our horseshoe-shaped driveway. I park on the top left side of the horseshoe and the tree fell behind my car but did not hit it. The powerlines that fell blocked me in as they laid across the top of the horseshoe-shape. I went outside to survey the damage. When I went back inside to check if I had power, I seemed to only have power in my kitchen.

By the next morning, the electric company had turned me off completely because the damage was extensive and needed to be fixed by a contractor before they would turn the power back on. Friday morning I had to go to work so I got up the guts to try and get out of the driveway. There was no getting through the tree so I decided to try to go under the powerlines. I was pretty sure they were not live and praying that I was correct in that assumption. After a 6-point turn to get out of my parking space without hitting the tree, I slowly creeped towards the fallen powerlines. The lines slowly slid over the hood of my car but got caught on the luggage rack. I happened to have an empty water bottle in the car. I put the transmission into park and pushed the lines onto the luggage rack, moved over to the passenger seat, pushed the lines up and then got back into the driver's seat. Slowly, ever so slowly, I drove under the powerlines. Once I was free from danger, I jumped out of my car and did a little celebration dance.

And today is Monday and I still have no electricity. I do have to say though that I think I have taken some of the fastest showers ever this weekend. At first, I was hoping that somehow, against all odds, I would have at least lukewarm water in my hot water heater to last the weekend. But no. By Saturday, the water was lukewarm. And this morning, freakin' cold is the only description that comes to mind. But my landlord promises that I will have electricity by today. Even after living in Africa without electricity, cold showers are still a little hard to get used to.

Addendum to keeping track of my blog updates

So I have come to discover that bloglines.com does not work like I thought it did. They do not actually send you alert emails. You still have to log on to bloglines.com and check my blog there. It will alert you if anything on my website has been updated but you have to be logged into their website to find out. So here's a couple of solutions.

1. I am asking around to find out if there is actually a program/website that will ACTUALLY email you an alert to tell you that my blog (or anyone else's) has been updated.

2. Just check my blog site whenever you have time. And you will have to be your own alert system.

3. Download a Notifier. Cool name, eh? It is a little icon that sits on the bottom right hand shortcut bar (system tray) and it will tell you if there has been an update on the website. So log into bloglines.com and look on the left side of the screen. Click on Download Notifier.


Extras
Recommendations Tips
Create Email Subscriptions
Open Notifier Download Notifier
Get a Subscribe To Bloglines Button
Easy Subscribe Bookmarklet
Tell A Friend

Then on the right half of the screen it will populate various options for a Mac or a PC.


Home > About Bloglines > Notifier
Want to automatically be notified when your Bloglines account has new items to read? Bloglines provides notifiers that make it easy to be notified when your subscriptions have new items. If you use several computers, you can install a notifier on each machine, so you'll always know when your subscriptions have new items to read. We offer the following notifier applications:
Microsoft Windows Notifier
Mac OS X Notifier
Konfabulator Mac OS X Notifier
Mozilla Notifier Extension
Firefox LiveLines Extension
Internet Explorer Extension
Unix/KDE Notifier
Web Notifier

Choose your poison. And download it. I wish you luck. And if anyone has a better idea, I must admit that I'm new to this so do tell.

To my readers....

Dear readers,

Do not fear! I can write happier stories. I'm sure that many of you have observed the sadness or pain in the stories that you have read on my blog. I am a writer. I write what the story dictates. Sometimes it's intense sadness or pain and sometimes it's anger or even happiness. I can write happy stories! I have one in the works right now. I realize that my audience probably needs a boost right now. So don't worry! Happier stories are on their way!

Thanks for reading. And thanks for the comments.

So, you want to be notified of my updated blog?

Alright y'all. I'm new to the blogging thing and getting updates but in my research I've discovered a couple of things. One, blogspot.com and blogger.com advertise this website:

http://bloglines.com/

You can sign up to this service for free and link my blog (or anyone else's blog or any news site) to your email so that you will be notified of changes I make. Since all of you don't have time to check this site everyday nor do you have free brain cells to devote to remembering to check my site... since I'm so cool, creative, fabulous, etc... this might just be an easier way.

You have to sign in using an email address. Once you have signed in it will show you the screen shot I have here. Click in the space that says blogspot user (since I am a blogspot user). You can also type in my URL ( texanbrownie1.blogspot.com ) in the Blog or URL field and click on Subscribe. And you are now linked to my blog.

I've also been told that you can do the same with newsnetwire.com. These sites are know as news readers. I hope this helps.

Fabulous Weekend.

A friend of mine flew into town this weekend and we had lots of fun. I hadn't seen her in a long time and I miss having all of my friends close to me so it's great to see those that are far away. And we had a blast. The best part was that she experienced lots of firsts... nothing sexual! Get those minds out of the gutter! Some of those firsts were:

- Getting a pedicure. Everyone (well, all females unless you males are comfortable enough with your sexuality) should get a pedicure. It's just nice to have someone else cut and shape up your nails. It's nice to have clean feet and get a great little foot massage. I am convinced that getting a foot massage is one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

- Eating seafood. Ashley had never eaten seafood. Well, shrimp but that's all. So we had calamari, shark, soft shell crab, clam, catfish tail (yes, the crunchy part of the tail after it's been fried. C'mon, that's tasty stuff. Oh, by the way, she hated it.) gator and frog legs... I guess those last two really aren't seafood and I refused to eat them.

- Going to a gay club and watching a drag show. Both were great fun. Lots of dancing. Lots of laughter. Some hot trannies. Lip rings on men. There's something about lip rings that's so intriguing.

- Holding a gun. Umm... yeah. 'Nuff said. Disclaimer: It was not mine. Nor was it stolen.

- Buying wine. Without getting carded. Ash even looks young and she didn't get carded. I must look like I only hang out with mature and fabulous people like myself.

- Smoking a hookah with me. I think she's actually smoked a hookah before. But I haven't so she's never smoked a hookah with me. And yippee for Strawberry Mango flavored tobacco. As smooth as it comes.

- Going to a wine tasting. Actually, we were too late for an entire tasting but we got in a couple of tastes of 2-3 wines at the winery.

I think that sums it up. So yes. There's a first time for everything and sometimes it's fun to cram it all into one weekend. I miss her company already.

Tears. A Short Story.

Anna did not want to close her eyes. Every part of her was exhausted but her mind was running from sleep. Her eyes began to droop. The image seemed to be projected on the back of her eyelids. In one swift move, her eyes burst open as she tore herself from under the sheets. The next thing she knew she was standing next to her bed holding her chest trying not to hyperventilate.

It had been three days since her last restful sleep. For three days, she'd felt like her world was crumbling around her. Her body was dehydrated and her eyes were bloodshot and swollen. Anna had cried hours upon end. She slowly began to pace the cool hardwood floor in her bedroom. The small crack between the window and the window sill yielded a low whistling noise that fluctuated with the wind gusts. Her right hand nervously found her mouth. She hooked her left hand under her right elbow as her tongue tracked over each finger searching for a bit of a nail to chew. Anna dropped her arms as she realized that she had already chewed all of her fingernails off. She walked to the window and looked out. The rain had started three days ago. It was lucky for her that they had cancelled her college courses due to flooding. She'd felt so alone for the past three days. She had not even told any of her friends that she was back from Christmas break. What was she going to do? Her eyes began to fill with tears. She wondered if she'd ever stop crying.

Anna walked back to her bed and sat down. She slid her feet into her fuzzy slippers and reached for a tissue on the nightstand.

It wasn't her fault. Had she just been in the wrong place at the wrong time? Is that actually possible? Maybe she had been there for a reason. Maybe it had all happened for a reason. That's bullshit. What reason is there to justify it? There is no reason. It's not her fault. That bastard.

Anna put her hand on her gurgling stomach. Her body firmly believed that the two and a half saltine crackers were not enough. She did not want to eat. She had no appetite. As the flashbacks became more and more vivid, she had less and less of a desire to do anything at all. She wanted to sleep but the images tormented her. They were just flashes. Mere glimpses of what happened. She did not want to remember it in its entirety. The thought made her rub her wrists. His hands had been clammy. He seemed to be nervous but determined. She could hardly breath with the weight of his body smothering her. All of a sudden, Anna felt nauseated.

She got up and ran to the bathroom. The tile on the floor was cold on her knees. She threw her arms around the toilet. Her body convulsed. There was nothing for her to throw up. She pushed herself away and curled her body up in the fetal position on the rug.

What would her parents say? What would her friends think of her? What about her boyfriend? Would he still love her? She had been saving herself for him. But now.... She knew she couldn't tell them. She couldn't tell anyone. They wouldn't understand. The tears streamed down her cheeks. She could no longer control them. She had to embrace the tears. Embrace the pain. The fear. They were all part of her now. She sniffled and tucked her hands under her head. She envisioned being back home and gazing across the land as the wind licked the tops of the wheat stalks.

And somewhere, lost in happier thoughts, Anna found sleep.

Comments?

The more I write on this blog, the more I realize that part of me really wants people's feedback. But I guess that as a blog author, one has to accept that the only comments you get on your blogs are spam. (Did anyone else know that comment spam existed without having experienced it first hand?) I passionately dislike it. It gives me this false sense of appreciation. That there's someone else out there who appreciates my writing. Then I realize that it's a spam comment and really they did not (most likely) read any of what I wrote.

Really, I am just happy to be writing again. I stopped writing for so long and now that I am back into it, my mind is just swirling with ideas for short stories and even considering trying to write a novel. I probably do not realize what I would be taking on. Writing is an outlet for me. It's one of the few healthy ones. :)

Slowly, I am coming to accept that I will not necessarily get feedback from my readers... that is, if anyone keeps reading this blog. So I am writing for myself and I hope that all of you enjoy the ride. Thanks for reading!!

"So heard that you and so-and-so...."

As I sit and write I have brief moments of feeling like Carrie Bradshaw....except for the fact that I am fully clothed at the moment and my "column" does not focus on sex and relationships. I said focus on them. Don't worry. I'll spice it up every once and a while. :)

I woke up this morning trying to figure out how rumors start and if they tend to be malicious. So recently, I've discovered that there have been some rumors about me that call into question my morals. (Yes, I am being vague on purpose.) Any who, this rumor is quite false and I am somewhat insulted that it even started. I heard it from a co-worker who heard it from a former co-worker who claims that the person he heard it from is a reliable source. Really, it just makes me wonder who his "reliable source" heard it from because they most certainly did not hear it from me nor were they present for this thing that never happened. So why do we start rumors? And even better, why do we perpetuate them?

Maybe it's a very innocent thing. For some people I am sure that is possible but for others I am sure that innocence is something they have ever known. But maybe someone hears something that they assume is a fact just because they trust the person they are talking to or that they want to believe what they are hearing. Maybe it just has to do with already having a preconceived notion about someone or something and the second you hear something that validates that belief, you assume that it has to be true.

I guess that rumors can be flattering. They can also be insulting. And are people really curious if the rumors are true? Sometimes I feel like every company should hire a private investigator and then have a monthly rumor control meeting.

"Yes, it's true that Johnny believes that his mother's ghost lives with him."

"No, it's not true that Sarah is sleeping with her boss."

"No, it's not true that Charles drinks every day. He drinks every other day."

Or we could just not spread any information that we were not 100% sure of its validity. Then again, it's near impossible to really be sure of everything. So we have rumors and we hope that those rumors do not hurt our employment or relationships. And if they do, we hope that we find out in time to make the decision to tell the truth or to not care.

Alice. A Short Story.

She heard the pitter-patter of an unbalanced toddler coming down the hallway. She looked up just as his feet made contact with the cold linoleum kitchen floor.

“Mommy!” Jayden shrieked.

His wide grin was always followed by that happy little giggle. His beautiful blue eyes searched for a smiling approval from his mother as he tilted his head upwards still gurgling. Alice smile down at him and rinsed her last dish. She wiped her hands on her apron. His arms were outstretched as she reached down to pick him up. She kissed his cheek. Her wet mark left one clean spot on his face.

Jayden had played outside earlier that morning as Alice sipped her coffee on the porch. When Jayden wasn’t playing with their chocolate labrador, he loved to be chased around the wraparound porch. He’d often lose his footing and fall. A glimpse of pain would fill his face, but before he could cry, Alice would scoop him up and spin him around in the air. Once his gurgling laugh returned, she’d pull him close to her heart and give a quick squeeze before putting him down.

Jayden sat comfortably on her hip as she walked out the front door. The sun finally began slipping from the sky. There was farmland as far as Alice could see. She loved her country home. The cool air was refreshing. Jayden laid his head down on her shoulder. Soon he'd go to sleep. She moved towards the porch swing sitting down slowly. Jayden had already put his thumb in his mouth as she began to swing back and forth. She loved this time of the day. Or at least she had. Until recently.

He hadn't left a note. Alice thought that it was strange that he had woken up before her. When she went to the kitchen there were no signs that he had even made coffee yet. She peered through the kitchen window. The Chevy was gone. Did he have somewhere to go this morning? She wondered. He would have told her though. Wouldn't he? Granted, she had to admit that things had not been particularly good lately.

Since Jayden was born, things hadn't been the same. It was somewhere between post-pardum and breast feeding that it all became blurry. Alice felt that Greg looked at her differently. But he had to understand. She was a mother now but she wasn't sure that she wanted to be one. Alice spend all of her early adulthood telling her parents that it was lucky for them that they had other children because they would not be getting any grandchildren out of her. But Greg was the perfect man and now she hoped he'd be the perfect father. Yet, somehow, after the pregnancy, they had fallen out of touch. She was not interested in sex and he had waited months now. She didn't know how to explain that from the bottom of her heart she loved this child and her husband but still there was a deep, inexplicable sadness.

But Greg had been gone for a week now.

Clarification

I feel that I should clarify.

I have no problem with my job in general. In general, it is a great job. I get to travel almost weekly and teach people how to use a computer system. I love both of those things. I love to travel. I love the experiences. I love running into quirky people in airports. Wondering if I'll be sitting next to a chatty Cathy or a quiet reader on my next flight. And there's the stresses of traveling. Delays. Cancellations. Sleeping on the floor in the airport. Hoping that you'll wake up when your plane finally gets there. Hotel vouchers. But it's all part of it. You get the good with the not-so-good but at the end of the day, it's all been quite an experience.

And the teaching. That is the highlight of my job. I love people. People are all different and intriguing. I sit down with different people each day and teach them how to use the new computer system. I am not just a teacher though. These individuals have things going on in their lives. They have family members sick or dying. They have children struggling in school. They have spousal issues. They have fears, hopes and dreams. They are nervous about keeping their jobs. They might just doubt their abilities to learn something new and more technical. So I am a teacher and a counselor. I encourage them. I celebrate each achievement. No matter how small. I firmly believe that the more people believe in themselves, the more they will be able to achieve. It is my job to encourage. To believe in people even when they are not convinced of their abilities themselves. They will get there and I will hold their hand as we take baby steps towards the moment of enlightenment. To the moment where they realize they get it. They understand what they are doing. They remember how to get from screen to screen and achieve each task in the most efficient way possible.

So really, it's not that I do not like my job. I like my job. It's just that right now, I am in a waiting period. I am not getting to do the two things that I like most about my job. I am not getting to travel and I am not getting to teach. Still, this time is good for me. I am getting to write. I love to write. I am learning patience. I am also getting exposure. I am getting to see what I would like to do next. A similar position? Head back to school for more education? Something else in the technical field? Something non-corporate? I have no clue.

Monday's a working day....

I woke up late this morning. I needed to be leaving my apartment within 20 minutes for me to be able to make it to work on time. I rolled myself out of bed and jumped into the shower. I contemplated shaving my legs. Or maybe I'd just wear pants. Wearing pants won. Still, I took a long shower. The water was warm and I didn't want to have to go to work where I knew exactly what I'd be doing. Sitting here writing this blog. Nothing to do with work. I have no "work" to do. Some wouldn't complain, but I despise being bored.

A shiver ran up my spine as I stepped out of the shower and the cold air clung to my wet skin. I looked at the clock. 10 minutes. I needed to be walking out the door in 10 minutes. But I didn't feel rushed. I didn't get that panic feeling. The one that makes you feel that you need to go 90 mph trying to get ready and get out the door. I looked in the mirror and remembered that I had a meeting with the VP of the company today. I wanted to look my best. I'd wear makeup which is not a daily effort for me. Some days merit makeup. Other days, the naked face comes to work wearing only a smile. So makeup meant another 5-10 minutes. And I needed to iron my shirt. After all, being a little late to work so that I look presentable for the VP cannot be that big of a deal.

Since I left later than usual, traffic was horrible. I did not sit down at my desk at the corporate office until 8:35 AM. I fired up my laptop and checked email. No instructions about what we are supposed to be accomplishing from the boss. So here I am. Maybe I'll write a short story. Maybe a whole damn novel. Maybe I'll apply to grad school. I cannot wait to get out of here and explore the world. I crave adventure.