road trip. not the fun kind.

Every time I look at my blog, I realize how infrequently I write on it. I think sometimes I need a super exciting thing to write about.

My super exciting thing today is that I'm taking a cross country trip tonight. It's a spur of the moment kind of thing. I'm going from work to home. Normally, I fly. But my flight is late tomorrow afternoon and instead of waiting until then a group of us are going to drive home tonight. We should be there by the wee hours of the morning. But it will put me home 20 hours earlier and that's acceptable.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't all that exciting. I'll try to do better next time.

Perfect. A Short Story.

**Dedicated to one of the sweetest men I've ever known, Alon.**

I looked across the table at perfection. And she was my perfection. She kissed me goodnight. She was the one who held my hand as we walked down the street. It had been six years now.

We had known each other throughout our childhood. And finally, senior year of high school, I got up the nerve to ask her out. I remembered our first date like a vivid dream. I took her down to the river near a local restaurant. The water rippled with catfish as we threw bait on its surface. We exchanged few words. I could still hardly believe that she was here with me. The crickets began chirping as we threw in the last bit of bait. I pointed towards the horizon. The sky burst with color. She turned to me and smiled. She reached for my hand and I melted.

She caught me staring at her lost in thought. "What's wrong?" she asks.

I snapped back to reality. "Nothing's wrong, baby" I insist.

"Well, why are you..."

"Sam, I love you." I interrupt.

Normally, she hated when I interrupted her. But this time she just smiled. That smile that stole my heart all over again. She reached across the table, picked up my hand and gently kissed my palm. "I love you, too" she assured me.

Six years. It was unbelieveable. Six years since the first time she held my hand. And still, each time she touched me, my heart skipped a beat. We had spent the years after high school putting each other through college. Both of our parents insisted that we wouldn't make it. They told us that we'd either get married and not finish our education or we'd break up over the financial strain. But both of them were wrong. Not that we hadn't had our own share of stress but we had overcome them. I had my Bachelor's degree in Biology and she had become a registered nurse. We both found jobs immediately after graduation and were paying back student loans. But most importantly, we had each other.

She took a sip of her water and looked straight into my eyes. At that moment, I was more certain that ever before. I am in love with this woman, I thought to myself. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Standing up, I walked into the hallway where my coat was hanging. My fingers found it immediately. I cupped it in my hand and returned to the table.

She wiped a drop of water from the tip of her nose as she turned to me.

"Jack, are you okay? You've hardly said anything tonight," she said. Before I could even think of anything else, I knelt down on one knee next to her and opened up my hand.

"Samantha, will you marry me?" I asked.

She gasped and immediately tears filled her eyes. I always cried when she cried. A tear began to trickle down my cheek. She reached to catch it bringing my tear to her own lips. Tears fell from her own eyes. She kissed me briefly and beams, "Yes, Jack. Yes, I'll marry you."

She gently caressed my face with her soft hands. I lay my head in her lap.

"I love you, Sam." I told her again.

"Jack, you are the man of my dreams. You support me. You take care of me. You compliment me. You want me. You hold me. Sometimes, all I want is to be in the same room with you. You are the love of my life."

And with that, she took the box from my hand, opened it and slipped the ring on her finger. A perfect fit.

We were a perfect fit.

the heart remembers. poetry.

I don't typically write poetry but this came to me. I wrote it down. I hope that it's tolerable. I don't even know how to write poetry. Hopefully though, you'll still enjoy it.


*the heart remembers*

the heart remembers
the misdirected anger in your eyes
the bruises that never really healed
the scrambling to get away from you
the others who just watched it happen
the heart remembers


the heart remembers
I wanted to make you happy
But it was an uphill battle
I didn't want to fight
I was getting no where
I lashed out, "You are just like your father"
that hurt her. you told me that I didn't love you
when really, you didn't even know me.
the heart remembers


the heart remembers
our song, "Just Wait"
we believed we were meant to be
we laughed. we played. we loved.
you were so kind. I was so lucky to be with you.
Distance seperated us. You married another woman.
the heart remembers


the heart remembers
the drinking. the dancing. the bar.
you said you'd drive me home. you lied.
you held me down. I cried. I begged you not to.
You didn't care. I was a virgin.
the heart remembers


the heart remembers
the moments of happiness
followed by the fighting
why am i doing this again?
the breakup. the denial of ever loving me.
now you pretend that I was never anything to you
the heart remembers


the heart remembers
the way you looked at me
those round little eyes
and only tufts of hair. mange.
I nursed you to health.
You loved me with unconditional puppy love
the heart remembers


the heart remembers
the meticulous lies
not only to her but to your children
all of the other women. thirteen.
you said you still loved us but there was this one
who you wanted to plan your life with
she didn't want you though
relationships based on deception
you lied. and you want us to take you back?
the heart remembers


the heart remembers
the phone call. the race to the hospital.
the waiting. the unknown.
the "he's going to be a vegetable"
you wouldn't want to live that way
we told them to let you go
the heart remembers


the heart remembers
you asked my friends about me
you hugged me and said, "Happy Birthday"
you stole my heart. you loved me.
you made me laugh
and i'm still in love with you
the heart remembers


the heart remembers
the bustling crowd. the smell of filth.
nervousness washed over me. nausea.
you read my fear. pulled me closer to you.
whispered that you were there with me
everything would be ok. i was safe.
the heart remembers

needing more work

So I have decided that I don't really like the "Those Hazel Eyes" story. So it may have to be removed and changed. A lot. It's missing something.....

Those hazel eyes. A Short Story.

As we passed each other in the hall, he turned back and called my name. Those hazel eyes that captured my heart every time. There was intensity in the way we held eye contact. I felt a bead of sweat trickle down my spine. It didn't matter how much I tried to deny it. Every time I saw him, my heart skipped a beat. It had been two days since I saw him with another woman. It had shattered my world. I had been angry. Now, I was just sad and hurt.

"Yes?" I asked, attempting to at least appear composed.

"You look nice today. There's something different and it's good," he casually informed me.

He couldn't pinpoint exactly what was different but he was right. There was something different. There was so much different. But I think he was just talking about my hair cut not my broken heart. Still, it had taken him three days to say something about it. For some reason, his compliment made my day.

"Thanks," I replied. I did not know what else to say.

We exchanged smiles and he waved a goodbye. Things had been awkward for a while now. But like he said, something was different. And I thought about that something every day. That something used to be what we called "being love." But now, we couldn't mention the word "love" in each other's presence. Or maybe it was just me. Maybe it had been just me all along. I stopped and turned back to watch him walk away. I missed him so much that my heart ached. I was so lonely now.

Calvin and I had met at a bar. We didn't meet in that "hi gorgeous, let me buy you a drink" sort-of-way. Our meeting was much more memorable.

Calvin was out with some friends and they were celebrating one of his buddies' birthday. I was alone pretending to watch the football game when really, I was much more intrigued with the clientele. I was in grad school working on my anthropology degree and firmly believed that a bar was a good place to people watch. They drank and let down their guard. Was this situation indicative of who we really were without all of the conscious, sober, social restrictions? I took a sip of my snakebite (Guinness and Strongbow, of course) pondering the question. I heard some shuffling behind me and turned just in time to see two men toppling towards me. Their bodies hit the floor and somehow, a beer showered me from my neck downwards. I gasped and glared at the two men on the floor. One man scrambled off the floor and offered me paper napkins.

"I'm so sorry," he blurted. I couldn't even look at him. For some reason, I was embarrassed. I attempted a smile. "Well, I should be going anyway," I said. I got up and left.

The next time I saw him we were in a local supermarket. He recognized me and apologized again.

"I'm so sorry about that little accident. I guess sometimes we can get a little rowdy." He smiled.

All I saw were those hazel eyes and I was speechless.

"I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Calvin. You can call me Cal."

"Hi. My name is Rachel," I said as we shook hands.

He must have read my thoughts. "Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? I promise I won't spill anything on you."

With that smile, those eyes and the bit of humor, I was smitten.

"I'd love to. And I'll bring an extra shirt just in case," I joked.



Still, our fabulous beginning began to crumble within six months. Cal got a position as a professor at my university. It was a good job for him but our relationship suffered. We had considered moving in together. But now, he was concerned about the moral and ethical repercussions of our relationship. I would graduate soon and then there would be no problem. So I agreed with his idea. We were going to separate until we were no longer in a compromising situation. I was hopeful. I loved this man and he told me he loved me.

But, here we were existing in the same space but not speaking except for short conversations. I went home every night to dream about the warm sunny afternoon when he held me in his arms, kissed me gently and told me, "I could do this for a long time. Rachel, I love you." I looked into those hazel eyes and believed that maybe we had something more permanent. "I love you too, Cal." I awoke with the same thought each time. The longer time dragged on, the more I doubted that there was any possibility that we were getting back together. What had happened to us?