TGIF!

I'm so ready for this week to be over. I just feel so tired this week and I'm not really sure why... well, besides the obvious fact that I'm not getting enough sleep. For the past couple of weeks, while my brother was visiting, I was more aware of my sleeping patterns. I made sure that my brother got in bed at decent hour and tended to go to bed at the same time or shortly afterwards. Now, I sit at home and sip a glass of wine while watching tv and playing with my puppy. All of a sudden, I realize that the late night show is now over and I should probably go to bed or really, I should have gone to bed long before then. So now, it's the end of the week and I know that given 5 minutes, I could fall asleep at work. Not from boredom but just from the fact that I'm exhausted and all that I really want to do is sleep. I've decided that I am going home early so that I can hopefully get a nap in before this evening. After all, I DO want to be awake tonight after 9pm. I don't have to go to bed early.

I have stopped writing for a bit. For awhile, I had nothing to write or rather, everything that passed through my mind was highly emotional and not happy. I didn't feel like writing that down for once. So I just didn't write. Typically, I exchange my writing for the brewing that I do inside. This time I traded it for anger. Not on purpose but it seemed to be the next emotion that past through my life. And then, I didn't want to write either. Angry writing is exhausting cause it pulls out all the emotions and puts them on paper and I have to actually acknowledge that the emotion that is on the page is the one that I was feeling. And that's no fun.

Now, besides being tired, life is fine. I am okay with my work right now. I am feeling like I have value with my increasing responsibilities and increasing knowledge base. Although, this work isn't ideally my thing, I am doing it now and not hating it. The confines of a cubicle are sometimes suffocating but then I just take the opportunity to get up and walk around. Socialize for a couple of minutes. I don't tend to socialize much at work. Mostly because I have an expectation and desire for a separation of Church and State-- that is, a separation of Work and Home. I don't mind minimally talking about my life. But I don't like to talk about politics, love life or anything else personal with co-workers. I think it roots from other co-workers who share too much. I do not want to be them. I do not want co-workers to be involved in my personal life. It's just messy and I don't need to have in depth conversations with co-workers to achieve the goal. That goal being to come to work and do work.

I am excited about the possibilities in my future. I think I am going to start taking grad school entrance exams. I'm thinking about law school but realize that I can't afford it. So if I take the test and do fabulously, maybe someone will throw money at me. That's my plan. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Oh, and I think that Nora and I are going to go to a Dog Park this weekend. I'm excited. She's not really a fan of other dogs. She's more of a people dog. I expect the experience to be interesting nonetheless.

Draggin' days.

So today is one of those days that I already feel like it's going to be a long exhausting day.

I'm so tired right now. But I only have myself to blame. I was tired last night but not sleepy so I stayed up and watched late night television. By the time I crawled in bed the digital clock stared 1am. I should have been in bed long before that. And this morning, Nora was determined to get me out of bed when the alarm went off. After trying to hide under the covers to now avail, I finally roll out of bed and take Nora outside. Typically, I hit it and snooze a couple of times before finally rolling out of bed. Sometimes, I can get away with it and sometimes Nora enforces the rule... when the alarm goes off, I should be up. Today was the latter.

Work is dragging already. I'm just ready to go home and take a nap. Of course, I say that now but I'm sure that as soon as I get home, i will take Nora for her walk and be rejuvenated. I'll watch a bit of tv and stay awake longer than I care to all over again. Until then, I will try and get through the day looking forward to a relaxing evening.

Yesterday, I slept.

Yesterday, I needed a break from it all. I woke up in the morning with my eyes nearly swollen shut from all of the crying the night before. There had been a conflict and I hate being lied to. There is nothing more that infuriates me then knowing that someone I care about has lied to me. And then once the anger goes away, I am just left saddened and hurt. So, yesterday, I slept.

I came to work in the morning wearing my glasses to try and hide my swollen appearance. I felt like crap though. I was still in emotional shambles. I tried to do my work and tried to focus but I couldn't make sense of anything. I felt like I was outside of my body and my mind wasn't functioning. I was just going through the motions of work but achieving nothing. I'd tried to stay in my little corner so that no one read into my saddened appearance. As soon as I emerged from my cubicle, two people asked me if I was sick. I told them that I didn't feel well. I knew that I wasn't going to get anything done. It was almost 1pm and I was no closer to completing my work than I had been at 8am. I told my boss that I wasn't feeling well and I was going home. I did just that. I got home and peeled off my work clothing, trading them in for my favorite pajamas. I played with Nora for a little while but she was quite hyper. I finally I decided I needed sleep more than anything. I went to bed around 2pm or so and didn't get up until after 9pm. My body was exhausted and it's so easy to stay curled up in bed on days like yesterday. I stayed up for a few hours and went back to bed.

Today is another day. I could definitely go to sleep now and sleep for hours. But I need to work. I can't let my work suffer because my personal life isn't hunky dorey. So I came into work a little later than usual today and I'm working. I still don't feel very productive. I need to get out of this funk.

Hopefully, I will finish this project today. And move on.

Miss Nora.

My puppy is the cutest puppy. Hands down. I'm sorry to all of you out there who think that you have a cuter puppy. The fact of the matter is you don't, because she lives with me.

Nora is my companion. She will lick you to death if you give her the chance. It might take her a while though. After all, she's only 3.5 lbs at 4 and a half months old.

I got her when she was a little more than 5 weeks. I realize that in most states, that's illegal but the breeder had already weened her from her mother and I was there and ready to take her home. She was so tiny when I got her. She was just a little bit bigger than my hand. We bonded quickly. She was so young when I got her and I was all she knew. I kept her inside for the first month plus because I was afraid she would get parvo or something outside. Now, she has all of her shots and she's perfectly healthy.

My family has always had dogs. I grew up with all kinds of animals but we always had a dog. I loved all of the animals but I was allergic to most of them, including the canines. So when I was thinking about getting a puppy for myself, I had to do my research and get an allergy-friendly pup. Poodles have hair and not fur so they do not produce as much dander and therefore, do well with people with allergies.

Nora was my saving grace. I could finally have my own puppy and I could pet her and hold her because she didn't make me sneeze. Throughout my childhood, I would pet an animal and immediately go and wash my hands so that I didn't break out in welts or wipe my face and start sneezing. I don't have to do that with Nora. It's hard to appreciate that unless you have allergies.

My Nora is wonderful. She's very personable and friendly. When she barks, she reminds me of those little dogs on movies-- she bounces up and down when she barks. It is a hilarious thing. I smile when I come in the door because I know that Nora is going to be there excited to see me. She will love me no matter what. She couldn't survive without me. She makes my day every day. She licks me awake in the morning to let her outside to go to the bathroom. Although my neighbors may not appreciate my disheveled look, I take her out reminding her all the while that when we get back inside; I really, really want to keep sleeping.

Now, isn't she cute?

Mixed Emotions Tuesday.

It has been quite as day for me. I have a lot of work to do but I am taking a moment to reflect, to have a breather and think about something else other than computer software for a minute.

Today I had my annual review. It felt like an interview for a position that I already had. I had to answer questions about the results from a survey that was sent out to my co-workers....

Bossman: "This person said that you get frustrated and should ask questions sooner. What do you think about that?"
Me: "Well, I agree... I think that there are times that I want to figure things out myself and by the time I realize that I am having trouble figuring it out, I am frustrated with myself." (What else could I say here? No, I am perfect. This person is an idiot. Then again, that accessment does apply to the next comment.)

Bossman: "This person says that you need to work on your interpersonal relationships with end-users and management and your personal appearance and dress code. What do you think about this?"
Me: Here, it took every ounce of me not to say that the person who wrote this is just trying to hurt me cause he's an asshole and I hate him-- yes, I don't know anyone else that I would say that about but I can honestly say that I hate him. But instead I say, "Well, apparently that person doesn't like me. I have not broken dress code and I do not understand how I could improve my personal appearance." After all, it's not like I come to work smelling like ass, looking all deheveled. "As far as my interpersonal relationships, all of my other comments reflect that I have good interpersonal skills. I still think that this person just doesn't like me." And of course, it's true. From these comments, I can tell that he almost hates me as much as I hate him. Almost. Asshole.

So we move on to the part where I have to talk about whether or not I enjoy my job. I do know one thing-- I dislike that question. Enjoy my job? Do I enjoy testing and re-testing everyday? Well, I do know that it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life but I do enjoy being gainfully employed. And.... I cried. I cried during the review. I don't really know why and even after thinking about it, I still have no idea. I think that I was just stressed. I think that I didn't really have an answer to the main question-- the question of whether I enjoyed my job and whether it was something I wanted to be doing. I didn't want to be lying to anyone. But I also didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't committed to my job. Committed to the people here. Committed to each project that I worked on. Would I rather be doing something else? Maybe. I'd love to be in Somalia taking care of orphaned children. I'd love to be in DC working on finding ways to help Africans understand AIDS and its affects. I'd love to be writing and making money from it. But alas, I am here. Working in a corporate office, day in and day out.

And slowly, I am coming to accept that I did not get the scholarship that I wanted to go to school next year. I know that it's going to be post-poned another year. And I know that it's that much harder of a pill to swallow now. I had planned on just working until I went to school, now what?

The most comforting thing is that I will go home and my puppy will run to the door excited to see me. And my loving boyfriend will come home from work and will just hold me.