It is official. I despise my job. Or rather, I passionately despise a select few individuals who I have to work with. It's bad when it gets to the point that you'd rather spend the entire day plotting painful deaths or just intolerable experiences that will make those individuals wish that they were dead. Really, I don't wish death upon anyone. It's just extremely, extremely frustrating to deal with some personalities who will fuck you over without thinking twice. No conscience. Just getting off on pissing people off. Maybe everyone should be so heartless and unhelpful. And no one is willing to stand up to these individuals. They are allowed to get away with all the things that anyone else would get fired for doing.
Yet, I'm still here. I'm here for the paycheck. I'm here to pay the rent and the light bill. The excitement and willingness to learn is gone. Anyone want to find me a job?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
lessons learned.
It's intriguing to me that people stay in relationships after they have identified what it is that they do not like and are not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Most people give quite a bit of thought to the relationships that they find themselves in. People think about what would be a "deal breaker" for them. They learn about their partners "deal breakers" and other eccentricities. Then there's everything else. You learn about personality differences and how one reacts to different situations. You learn about what your partner does or says that sets you off and what you do or say that can set them off. Some of these traits and behaviors take little time to discover. Others come to light over time.
What amazes me is that someone will date someone for years and learn about many of those things that they don't like and then they will finally end a flailing relationship to find something better. Or at least, hopefully, something more in tuned with the traits and behaviors desired. So let's say that Janet breaks up with her boyfriend of 4 years, Henry. Over the years, Janet learned many things about Henry. They lived together for most of their relationship and it didn't seem like there was much more that she could learn about him. She already knew that it unnerved her that he'd shave and not clean up the sink afterwards. She'd get out of the shower every morning just to rinse the sink while she brushed her teeth. Now, she would no longer have to do that. It was a great thing.
There were lots of things about her relationship with Henry that she had learned that she wasn't all that happy with. She knew that he liked to have sex with his socks on. For her, it was just weird. Sweaty socks just aren't attractive as far as Janet was concerned. She also knew that they argued about the dumbest things. They argued often and with a crazy kind of intensity. Henry and Janet fought passionately-- after all, both parties were damn sure that they were right. Janet also knew that she never quite trusted Henry. Their relationship started off as an affair. She told herself that she'd never get involved with a married man again.
Then she met Evan. Evan was good-looking, charming and suave. He knew the right things to say to perk and keep a woman's interest. Janet thought he was great. They went on a couple of wonderful first dates. It wasn't until his phone wouldn't stop ringing that she discovered that he was married. Well, in the middle of a divorce, but married nonetheless. "In the middle of a divorce" was forgiveable though. Her "never get involved with a married man" theory flew out the door with impressive speed. After all, he was obviously ready to be back in the dating scene again. They'd been dating for a month when they had their first fight. He wanted to stay out at the bar longer and she was ready to call it a night. The fight ended with him ordering another Crown and 7 and her storming out of the bar. The whole ride home she was frustrated with the fact that they'd had their first argument and that it was a dumb one at that. She was soon to discover that it was the first of many arguments to follow. It was like she was dating Henry all over again.
What she failed to notice was that it wasn't just Evan. She was treating Evan like he was Henry. She initiated many of the arguments and was oblivious to her habit of doing so. Janet had forgotten that when she got back out on the dating scene that she couldn't expect every man to be like Henry. She couldn't automatically behave the same way that she did with Henry. She was now generating and perpetuating the issues that she'd had with Henry, with Evan.
It amazes me how many people do not realize this type of predicament. When you start a new relationship, it is a new, potentially flourishing thing. You cannot go into the relationship with the same chips on your shoulder and presumptions that were gathered from the past relationships. OR else you will taint the new relationship. It may not be a guaranteed failure. But it is guaranteed that you are not making it as simple as it could be. Relationships aren't simple to begin with but dragging all of your old issues and drama into a relationship are not beneficial. We have past relationships that we can learn from, but you can learn from a relationship and keep all of those lessons in the back of your mind without dragging every piece of it into a developing relationship.
After all, they are supposed to be lessons learned. Not lessons that tarnish every future relationship.
What amazes me is that someone will date someone for years and learn about many of those things that they don't like and then they will finally end a flailing relationship to find something better. Or at least, hopefully, something more in tuned with the traits and behaviors desired. So let's say that Janet breaks up with her boyfriend of 4 years, Henry. Over the years, Janet learned many things about Henry. They lived together for most of their relationship and it didn't seem like there was much more that she could learn about him. She already knew that it unnerved her that he'd shave and not clean up the sink afterwards. She'd get out of the shower every morning just to rinse the sink while she brushed her teeth. Now, she would no longer have to do that. It was a great thing.
There were lots of things about her relationship with Henry that she had learned that she wasn't all that happy with. She knew that he liked to have sex with his socks on. For her, it was just weird. Sweaty socks just aren't attractive as far as Janet was concerned. She also knew that they argued about the dumbest things. They argued often and with a crazy kind of intensity. Henry and Janet fought passionately-- after all, both parties were damn sure that they were right. Janet also knew that she never quite trusted Henry. Their relationship started off as an affair. She told herself that she'd never get involved with a married man again.
Then she met Evan. Evan was good-looking, charming and suave. He knew the right things to say to perk and keep a woman's interest. Janet thought he was great. They went on a couple of wonderful first dates. It wasn't until his phone wouldn't stop ringing that she discovered that he was married. Well, in the middle of a divorce, but married nonetheless. "In the middle of a divorce" was forgiveable though. Her "never get involved with a married man" theory flew out the door with impressive speed. After all, he was obviously ready to be back in the dating scene again. They'd been dating for a month when they had their first fight. He wanted to stay out at the bar longer and she was ready to call it a night. The fight ended with him ordering another Crown and 7 and her storming out of the bar. The whole ride home she was frustrated with the fact that they'd had their first argument and that it was a dumb one at that. She was soon to discover that it was the first of many arguments to follow. It was like she was dating Henry all over again.
What she failed to notice was that it wasn't just Evan. She was treating Evan like he was Henry. She initiated many of the arguments and was oblivious to her habit of doing so. Janet had forgotten that when she got back out on the dating scene that she couldn't expect every man to be like Henry. She couldn't automatically behave the same way that she did with Henry. She was now generating and perpetuating the issues that she'd had with Henry, with Evan.
It amazes me how many people do not realize this type of predicament. When you start a new relationship, it is a new, potentially flourishing thing. You cannot go into the relationship with the same chips on your shoulder and presumptions that were gathered from the past relationships. OR else you will taint the new relationship. It may not be a guaranteed failure. But it is guaranteed that you are not making it as simple as it could be. Relationships aren't simple to begin with but dragging all of your old issues and drama into a relationship are not beneficial. We have past relationships that we can learn from, but you can learn from a relationship and keep all of those lessons in the back of your mind without dragging every piece of it into a developing relationship.
After all, they are supposed to be lessons learned. Not lessons that tarnish every future relationship.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
The Ex-Factor. A Short.
It was the way he smiled at me. It was feeling his breath on my cheek. It was the softness of the kisses touching my skin. It was the devotion in his eyes. The way he put his arm around my waist and squeezed to remind me that he was there for me. To support me. To love me. To care for me.
It was intriguing though. Our life had been thrown into fast forward. Our passions preceded the creation of our foundation. Now, we had a foundation but a rocky one at that. I had already told him but I was pretty sure there was at least a marginal chance that he'd leave me. He'd just up and disappear one day. Go right back to his ex where-- even if he wasn't happy-- the gig was easier. Less responsibility. After all, I was sick almost everyday now. He wouldn't choose to take care of some sick broad over having no responsibilities and plenty of fun. Or so I let myself believe.
But it had been one of those days. One of the days that his ex called multiple times throughout the day. He'd pull the vibrating phone out of his pocket and confidently hit the silencing button as though to show that he didn't really want to talk to her anyhow. I knew that the second he was away he'd pick up the phone and call her back. After all, he was a nice guy. Even though, that also meant that sometimes, he was too nice. Sometimes though.
It was a balancing act for me. He was a nice guy. Courteous, sweet and charming. That was how I became attracted to him in the first place. Then he had those moments where he'd tell me not to be mean to him-- or tell me not to do any other assortment of things. What he forgets is that I am not some trainable dog who will comply to all commands. He'd tell me that I have no reason to be mean to him. Even though, 2 minutes before, I'd listed off my reasons and concerns. Maybe he was right. Maybe in his mind, no one should ever be mean to him. All of the rest of us were just supposed to take whatever he dished out without complaint or objection. Mustn't wake the bear.
I felt like it was a constant pendulum swing. One moment we were swinging upward to the left, having a wonderful dinner overlooking the water and making others jealous of our relationship. Then the highest point was hit and the pendulum was back on the downwards drop. Of course, these moments were mostly my fault because I had sat too long thinking about her phone calls and surprise visits when she knew I wouldn't be around. I'd get upset and he'd tell me that he loved me that that I had no reason to be upset. And all I could think was "If you loved me, then you would make things different. If you loved me then you wouldn't need both of us in your life. And you would make sacrifices for me, like actually making a clean break from a girl you 'broke up' with."
Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe they just say that relationships are about sacrifice. Maybe relationships are really about how much bullshit you are willing to put up with from that certain person. But on the days that I wasn't consumed by such thoughts, I knew that I cared about him. I knew that I wanted him in my life. It was the self-preservationist in me who questioned it all. And now... well, now, the situation had changed. A little bun in the oven. It always changes everything. I wished that I'd figured out all the answers to the questions in my head. I wanted to be the best for my little one. Still, I felt so confused. What was I doing? Were my imaginings that I'd had all my life correct? Was I supposed to just be alone? I wouldn't just be alone now but I knew we'd find happiness.
I gripped my stomach as Ellen's theme show screamed from the television.
Another prayer to the porcelain god.
It was intriguing though. Our life had been thrown into fast forward. Our passions preceded the creation of our foundation. Now, we had a foundation but a rocky one at that. I had already told him but I was pretty sure there was at least a marginal chance that he'd leave me. He'd just up and disappear one day. Go right back to his ex where-- even if he wasn't happy-- the gig was easier. Less responsibility. After all, I was sick almost everyday now. He wouldn't choose to take care of some sick broad over having no responsibilities and plenty of fun. Or so I let myself believe.
But it had been one of those days. One of the days that his ex called multiple times throughout the day. He'd pull the vibrating phone out of his pocket and confidently hit the silencing button as though to show that he didn't really want to talk to her anyhow. I knew that the second he was away he'd pick up the phone and call her back. After all, he was a nice guy. Even though, that also meant that sometimes, he was too nice. Sometimes though.
It was a balancing act for me. He was a nice guy. Courteous, sweet and charming. That was how I became attracted to him in the first place. Then he had those moments where he'd tell me not to be mean to him-- or tell me not to do any other assortment of things. What he forgets is that I am not some trainable dog who will comply to all commands. He'd tell me that I have no reason to be mean to him. Even though, 2 minutes before, I'd listed off my reasons and concerns. Maybe he was right. Maybe in his mind, no one should ever be mean to him. All of the rest of us were just supposed to take whatever he dished out without complaint or objection. Mustn't wake the bear.
I felt like it was a constant pendulum swing. One moment we were swinging upward to the left, having a wonderful dinner overlooking the water and making others jealous of our relationship. Then the highest point was hit and the pendulum was back on the downwards drop. Of course, these moments were mostly my fault because I had sat too long thinking about her phone calls and surprise visits when she knew I wouldn't be around. I'd get upset and he'd tell me that he loved me that that I had no reason to be upset. And all I could think was "If you loved me, then you would make things different. If you loved me then you wouldn't need both of us in your life. And you would make sacrifices for me, like actually making a clean break from a girl you 'broke up' with."
Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe they just say that relationships are about sacrifice. Maybe relationships are really about how much bullshit you are willing to put up with from that certain person. But on the days that I wasn't consumed by such thoughts, I knew that I cared about him. I knew that I wanted him in my life. It was the self-preservationist in me who questioned it all. And now... well, now, the situation had changed. A little bun in the oven. It always changes everything. I wished that I'd figured out all the answers to the questions in my head. I wanted to be the best for my little one. Still, I felt so confused. What was I doing? Were my imaginings that I'd had all my life correct? Was I supposed to just be alone? I wouldn't just be alone now but I knew we'd find happiness.
I gripped my stomach as Ellen's theme show screamed from the television.
Another prayer to the porcelain god.
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