cut.

I just got a haircut today. It was quite difficult for me. I haven't gotten my haircut by a professional in over 15 years. Maybe that's why my hair takes forever to grow. But a professional once cut my hair so short that I looked like a damn Q-tip. Not cool. It was a very crappy middle school time.

I let this woman cut (not trim) my hair today. I wanted my hair just trimmed but she did some serious cutting. I don't really know how I feel about it quite yet. I do know that if she hadn't been talking and distracting my mind the whole time, I would have broken down in tears. I hate seeing my hair cut because I love it long. And there's so many other women with long hair out there and I don't understand why mine doesn't grow like that. Apparently, I'm supposed to get it cut on a regular basis. Doesn't cutting it seem to contradict the goal of it getting longer? Ugh. I understand though. The healthier it is the longer it grows. This sucks that I have to go through this though. The short-ish phase to get to the longer hair. I used to always tell myself that I wanted my hair to be long when I get married. Now, the longer I live the less likely I think it is that anyone would actually marry me. So, I'm going for "I just want my hair to be longer!" Whenever it happens.

Sorry. It's a bit of an emotional thing for me. I love having people play with my hair but what's there to play with if my hair's so damn short! Okay, it's not that short. Still....

hilarious video.

thank you, friends.

“A true friend is someone who thinks your a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~Albert Schweitzer


I just want to thank my friends out there. Although I can feel very alone here where I am away from friends, you all are still there for me. Still good friends. I appreciate the late night phone calls just to check and make sure I'm okay. I appreciate the emails with uplifting words. I appreciate the gestures of kindness. I appreciate the AIM conversations--just listening to me rant. I appreciate the fact that I still have my friends even though I am a "little cracked."

It's been a difficult time for me recently. I've been through a lot of emotions. Days of feeling utterly alone and lost. Days of wondering what I'm doing with my life. Days of rehashing the past and then realizing that it doesn't matter. Days of feeling hurt by others' cruelty. Days of deep depression wondering how I'm going to pull myself out this time. But it is through the love and encouragement of my friends that I do. I'm over it right now. I'm doing much better. I'm thinking positively and figuring out where my next destination is. I'm happy for the future. I have no idea what it holds--maybe law school, maybe not--but I'm ready to move forward.

I probably don't say it enough but I love you all. You are all important to me and I hold your friendships dear to my heart. Remember, as you have been there for me, I am here for you. Call, email, text anytime.

Thank you, thank you for being there for me.

Thank you for those who rekindle my inner spirit. You are loved.

....the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass.

I watched the movie "Juno" today. I wasn't all enlightened or anything like the rave reviews seem to indicate that I should be. It reminded me why I love the thought of adoption. The basic storyline is that a teenage girl gets pregnant and decides to give the child up for adoption. The movie follows her life during the months that she's pregnant.

Two things, I wish that I had a father like the father in the quote. I know that it's all hollywood and bullshit but he seems like a great guy. Good fatherly advice from a loving, insightful dad.

Secondly, the only reason I'm even writing this in my blog is because of the one piece of this quote: "the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass." It made me smile when I heard this phrase in the movie. But somehow, I think it's pretty accurate. The right person will love you for all of your little eccentricities.

I stole this from imdb.com :

Juno MacGuff: I'm losing my faith in humanity.
Mac MacGuff: Think you can narrow it down for me?
Juno MacGuff: I guess I wonder sometimes if people ever stay together for good.
Mac MacGuff: You mean like couples?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah, like people in love.
Mac MacGuff: Are you having boy troubles? I gotta be honest; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
Juno MacGuff: Dad, no!
Mac MacGuff: Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
Juno MacGuff: Please stop now.
Mac MacGuff: [persisting] Tore up from the floor up?
Juno MacGuff: Dad, it's not about that. I just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.
Mac MacGuff: It's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.
[Juno nods]
Mac MacGuff: In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Juno MacGuff: I sort of already have.
Mac MacGuff: Well, of course! You're old D-A-D! You know I'll always be there to love and support you no matter what kind of pickle you're in... Obviously
[nods to her belly]
Juno MacGuff: I need to go out somewhere just for a little while. I don't have any homework and I swear I'll be back by ten.
Mac MacGuff: You were talking about me right?


Now, just where is the "right person"?

time's are a-changin'

I've told people before that you can never go back to how it was before. I still believe that but it recently just slapped me in the face.
Relationships with people are funny things. Their live changes or your life changes and the whole relationship is affected and altered. Sometimes, I'm just not ready for those changes. It's hard to be so important to someone for a while and then become an afterthought. It's tough to realize that while their lives are moving on, you feel completely and utterly stagnant. It's not easy to think about being replaced. Not easy to think that since you aren't that important person to someone anymore, they'll surely replace you. Or to know that they are in the process of replacing you. Just when you hoped that'd never be the case or at least that you'd never know about it. It's sad to lose a close friend and have to take the trade for a friend who calls "when they're not busy." You miss that friend who would drop everything for you to be by your side. To hold you and just listen to you. To laugh with and talk to. But I guess that time's are always a-changin'. People come and people go. Sometimes you just long for what used to be knowing that it's not likely to happen again.

Sometimes, I just feel so alone. No friends. No confidantes. No loves. I miss the companionship. I miss the moments of feeling valued and needed.

I need to find a way out of this rut but I have no idea how.

the heart remembers, cont'd. poetry.

Once again, I'm not a poet. This is just an attempt at poetry but moreso an outlet. It's also not how I'd typically write this.



the heart remembers.
you were barely breathing.
chipped tooth.
you couldn't speak.
the sirens to the hospital.
the "it's not looking good"
headed back home.
the heart remembers.

the heart remembers.
the hateful remarks.
the blatant cold shoulder.
treating me like this was my fault.
the incessant calling.
always being there when I couldn't be.
pretending you were so innocent,
to win his heart again.
the heart remembers.

the heart remembers.
the tears you cried.
the frustration.
the memory loss.
the proposal.
saying that I was the one.
the heart remembers.

the heart remembers.
the anger.
forgetting that I'd stayed at your side
the hurtful comments.
the tears I cried.
you forgetting it ever happened
the heart remembers.

the heart remembers.
surprising you
wearing that lacy black top
you were excited to see me
and not so sober
i just wanted to hold you
to take care of you
to love you
the heart remembers.

the heart remembers.
tickling and laughing.
acting sophisticated
the test:
which wine is this?
cab or shiraz? hmm...
playing wii
good laughs, good times.
the heart remembers.

the heart remembers.
the fights.
the you don't do
that or this enough
the frustration
the cruelty
maybe it wasn't love
the heart remembers.

the heart remembers.
the good-byes
if it's meant to be,
it's meant to be
you changed my life
in ways you may never know
I loved you openly
with all my heart
maybe that's why
it hurts so bad.
the heart remembers.

worst day.

Today has been the worst day that I can remember in months. It definitely takes the cake for 2008 and probably the better part of 2007.

My heart aches like I can't even explain. It's been a while since I've been hurt so deeply by someone who said that they cared about me. Do explain how someone who says they care can be so, so intentionally hurtful? It's unbelievable that they can be so oblivious to the fact that putting someone else in a better light and acting like I should thank them for being such a kind soul and not fucking me over--will not ever make me appreciate that person. Because someone could have done something worse than what they did, doesn't mean that I should give them a high-five for holding back. I'm not just going to start handing out thank-yous and letters of appreciation because they did not do something awful. They were disrespectful and did plenty of other things. I do not have to respect or be friends with someone like that.

I just can't believe that he wants to delve all of this old shit up. Bring it back into the forefront and make me participate just so he can get off on upsetting me.

I'm so tired of crying. I've cried all day and all evening. I'll probably cry myself to sleep. I have such a headache from crying. The pain in my heart is so much deeper and so incredibly hurtful.

I can't even explain the heartache. Most of it is because he does not acknowledge all that I did for him and cares to take her actions in such high value. Like they were the most respectable things when it's merely common sense. Anyone with any sense of self-respect would have done the same thing. Even children know right from wrong. But he wants to praise her for her acts and discount everything else she did because she didn't do the worst thing that she could have done. How ridiculous does that sound? As long as it's just bad and not the worst thing ever, then it's okay, and even admirable, in his book. Craziness.

I can't keep crying like this. I can't. I am beside myself with anguish and a sense of betrayal. But alas, it's probably all in my head. After all, nothing I say or do is of any value to him. He acts like he's so much better than me. Like I'm losing my mind and completely inaccurate. Amazing.

rejection.

Rejection blows.

I just got my first rejection letter from one of the law schools I applied to for the fall. I'm pretty sure that it won't be the last. Just another blow to a crappy day.

Maybe I need to figure out what else I should be doing with my life. I'm going to work on coming up with a plan B so that when I don't get into any of the law schools, I don't feel devastated and without direction.

Plan B, where the fuck are you?

another moment.

I had another moment today where I felt physically ill from overwhelming emotions. I was reflecting upon the past. Past events, past frustrations, past pain. It was a little more intense than I expected.

I felt faint this time. I wanted to sleep. I felt like I was having a hot flash. I was just so angry over the past events all over again. I wanted the emotion to be fleeting. My eyes teared up. I wished that it had all ended differently. Then I was sad. Sad about all the hurt that pervaded. Sad that I lost a friend. Sad that someone I cared about had become so distant. Sad that I felt that I'd never be able to get it back. Sad that maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

So then, I did all that I knew to do. I slept. Tried sleeping it all away. Unfortunately, I awoke.

Addendum to "the accident"

I feel like I should convey that I do not regret "the accident." It is unfortunate that I have a scar that I'm still slightly embarrassed about on my knee--I'm working on getting over that--but the whole thing was a hell of an experience.

In the end, I was glad that I was in one piece and even happier that "Hugh" was alive and getting better. I was happy to be there to take care of him. He was all that I thought about during the day. I was worried about everything--that he'd forget to eat or that he'd get out of bed and try to go somewhere or just not get out of bed at all. I wanted to be there for him. And I was there everyday for weeks. He doesn't remember much of that. I'd hold him and tell him that his memory was going to get better and that it just took time. I loved him for the overly sweet things that he said to me during that time. They were definitely contrasted by the mean things that spilled out when he was upset. He wouldn't remember that I'd been there earlier and would be upset with me cause he thought that I'd just left him--when that wasn't the case at all. And later, he'd have no idea that he'd been so mean so it was hard to be upset with him for that but not easy to forget. I wondered if I was seeing a side that was normally suppressed. Was it something that I was learning that I needed to know? Probably not, now that I think about it. Head trauma does fucked up things. You say and think things that you normally wouldn't. Some people's personalities change more permanently. Hugh was lucky. It was just a few weeks of missing memory and severe mood swings. He made it through and was grateful to be alive.

But I just wanted to say, that I didn't mean to sound angry or bitter--if I did--in the telling of "the accident." I'm not angry or bitter. I was glad to be were I was at the time. It was what I wanted to be doing. Yeah, physical therapy sucked and it probably made me a little bitter at the time because I seemed to be healing slower than Hugh. Lucky for him, the brain healed itself pretty quickly in his situation. Within weeks, the bruises in the brain were gone. I still couldn't bend my knee without pain. That was tough. But I believe, maybe naively, that things all happen for a reason. It has convinced me that I never ever need to rent a scooter in a foreign country again (or just never let the man drive, I haven't decide which). It makes my stomach turn when I see scooters. When I was recently in Mexico, I wanted to stop scooter renters and tell them that they should be very careful and if they were smart, they wouldn't rent one at all. But I didn't. It'd just seem like a crazy lady was trying to ruin their vacation so I kept my mouth shut. But I digress.

I have no regrets. Life throws some interesting experiences at us. We learn how to deal with them and we move on. I was there for Hugh when he needed me. I wanted to be there.

No bitterness. No regret.